How Can I Talk to my Partner When he is Drunk?
Q.
I live with my partner who will admit he has a drinking problem. This I can accept (no one is perfect) but I need a way to talk to him in the 'dark' hours of his drinking. I have tried the 'nicely nicely' approach and it doesn’t work, neither does shouting.
I am fed up with his excuses and insistence that he is 'allowed' or 'earned' the right to drink to excess. He is a danger to himself more than anything and I am worried sick when he is drinking. Can you help me?(Miss D P, 15 October 2008)
A.
The first thing about dealing with someone who has been drinking is to understand that they are not the person they are when they’re sober. Whatever good sense and reason they might have in the cold light of day, this sensibility will desert them after a few drinks.
Trying to talk to someone under the influence of alcohol is difficult, whether they’re a fun, sociable kind of drinker or a moody and aggressive drunk. Alcohol switches off normal behaviour and trying to reason with a drunk person is not going to work.
Without knowing more about your partner’s reasons for drinking it’s difficult to offer much advice. How often does this happen? If it’s a common occurrence and happening a lot then I would say the problem could be quite serious. If it affects friendships, social occasions, work or even financial matters in your relationship and lifestyle, then you need to look very carefully at this relationship and decide whether you should persist in working at it if this level of drinking continues.
Whatever the level of habitual drinking though, if it’s making you unhappy and placing a strain on your relationship, then something needs to change. It’s all very well saying you accept it, but is that reasonable? On the one hand you seem to want to pardon it, saying nobody is perfect but your next sentence is very telling. “I am fed up…”
Living with someone who has a drink problem is damaging, upsetting and destructive. It’s not OK at all and you shouldn’t have to put up with it. It also means that by accepting it you’re helping him perpetuate the problem and realistically it doesn’t sound like a healthy situation for him either.
You say your partner has confessed to having a drinking problem and this is very encouraging. The first step in sorting this out is for him to face up to it. If it’s an intermittent problem there are ways to address this, but if it’s more serious and he cannot control the way he is behaving, he will have to look at giving up completely.
The short answer to your question is that there is no good way to talk to someone who is drunk. The best thing you can do is try not to engage in conversation on any serious level, and wait until he sobers up to discuss this properly, and tell him it’s making you unhappy. If he persists in claiming that he deserves to be able to drink to excess and refuses to acknowledge it makes life hard for you when he is drunk, then perhaps you need to look at whether you deserve to be dealing with it. The answer is probably no.
Hopefully your partner will understand your point of view and take what you say on board. If not, I can only stress that living with this is not normal, and not acceptable, and you should not have to cope with it.
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Thank you BarbraL for recommending a guide by Ellen Petersen and sharing the link. I was completely devastated by the situation with my husband, but after reading this book I knew what to do and so far we have been successful. Keep your fingers crossed that it stays that way. Thank you again for recommending the guide
Janine Sidwell - 15-Jan-24 @ 10:22 AM
When dealing with any person who uses too much alcohol, understand that this person will hurt you and the people around you.Don’t rely on other people’s views of how the person looks from the outside.Listen to your heart.Your intuition is making you aware that something is very off balance.
If you value the relationship,make a few initial attempts to discuss, as you would with any problem, but then you must stop discussing if there is not fairly prompt change.
It is proper to have compassion and not judge.But you must understand, and this has akin to the laws of physics, I will repeat, THIS IS AKIN TO THE LAWS OF PHYSICS, this person will go very far down and destroy a great deal.You will begin to lose your own good judgment.You will slowly slide into the rabbit hole of anger and resentment.What was clear to you at age 18, or 21, or 25, will be less clear.You will have self doubt and terrible guilt, which you would not have had if you hadn’t started going down into that vortex with this person.They are embracing life destroying energy..They are attacking to you with it.They are committing psychological murder suicide, very very slowly.And if you stay you need to agree that you, too, want to engage in this psychological murder suicide.
If you have no essential attachments to this person, you must chose not to stay.If you stay know you are going down and need to accept on a spiritual level that you, as well, have some kind of life trauma you need to work out, and that you are choosing to stay to work it out. Otherwise do not stay.
If you have children, you have a more difficult balancing decision.It will be very harmful for your children either way, but you must use your best judgment to chose the path of least harm.In some cases you may find that if you are able to let go and work on yourself, you may be able to wait it out and this person may go into recovery.However this waiting cannot happen unless you take charge of your own life and all matters and keep your household to the standards you desire.Allow your spouse to stay based upon compassion, if you can, and only as a place to have a roof over their head.Gently disengaged form emotional entanglement with them.Do not be mean, do not tolerate abuse.If it becomes verbally abusive or physically abusive, you must move on.This situation will not get better on its own.It is not a small problem.It is a terrible illness that will try every day and every way to Infect you as well.Again this is not saying you should judge.It is saying you need to accept the course it will take, absent sobriety, and take care of those you are responsible for, including yourself.
Gabor Mate has written some great books on addiction and trauma.In the Realm or Hungry Ghosts is a great book.There is another book called The Burden of Sympathy, more about mental illness than addiction, but very good for anyone struggling with where to draw the line on c
Lambz - 25-Oct-20 @ 11:12 PM
When dealing with any person who uses too much alcohol, understand that this person will hurt you and the people around you.Don’t rely on other people’s views of how the person looks from the outside.Listen to your heart.Your intuition is making you aware that something is very off balance.
If you value the relationship,make a few initial attempts to discuss, as you would with any problem, but then you must stop discussing if there is not fairly prompt change.
It is proper to have compassion and not judge.But you must understand, and this has akin to the laws of physics, I will repeat, THIS IS AKIN TO THE LAWS OF PHYSICS, this person will go very far down and destroy a great deal.You will begin to lose your own good judgment.You will slowly slide into the rabbit hole of anger and resentment.What was clear to you at age 18, or 21, or 25, will be less clear.You will have self doubt and terrible guilt, which you would not have had if you hadn’t started going down into that vortex with this person.They are embracing life destroying energy..They are attacking to you with it.They are committing psychological murder suicide, very very slowly.And if you stay you need to agree that you, too, want to engage in this psychological murder suicide.
If you have no essential attachments to this person, you must chose not to stay.If you stay know you are going down and need to accept on a spiritual level that you, as well, have some kind of life trauma you need to work out, and that you are choosing to stay to work it out. Otherwise do not stay.
If you have children, you have a more difficult balancing decision.It will be very harmful for your children either way, but you must use your best judgment to chose the path of least harm.In some cases you may find that if you are able to let go and work on yourself, you may be able to wait it out and this person may go into recovery.However this waiting cannot happen unless you take charge of your own life and all matters and keep your household to the standards you desire.Allow your spouse to stay based upon compassion, if you can, and only as a place to have a roof over their head.Gently disengaged form emotional entanglement with them.Do not be mean, do not tolerate abuse.If it becomes verbally abusive or physically abusive, you must move on.This situation will not get better on its own.It is not a small problem.It is a terrible illness that will try every day and every way to Infect you as well.Again this is not saying you should judge.It is saying you need to accept the course it will take, absent sobriety, and take care of those you are responsible for, including yourself.
Gabor Mate has written some great books on addiction and trauma.In the Realm or Hungry Ghosts is a great book.There is another book called The Burden of Sympathy, more about mental illness than addiction, but very good for anyone struggling with where to draw the line on c
Lambz - 25-Oct-20 @ 11:12 PM
When dealing with any person who uses too much alcohol, understand that this person will hurt you and the people around you.Don’t rely on other people’s views of how the person looks from the outside.Listen to your heart.Your intuition is making you aware that something is very off balance.
If you value the relationship,make a few initial attempts to discuss, as you would with any problem, but then you must stop discussing if there is not fairly prompt change.
It is proper to have compassion and not judge.But you must understand, and this has akin to the laws of physics, I will repeat, THIS IS AKIN TO THE LAWS OF PHYSICS, this person will go very far down and destroy a great deal.You will begin to lose your own good judgment.You will slowly slide into the rabbit hole of anger and resentment.What was clear to you at age 18, or 21, or 25, will be less clear.You will have self doubt and terrible guilt, which you would not have had if you hadn’t started going down into that vortex with this person.They are embracing life destroying energy..They are attacking to you with it.They are committing psychological murder suicide, very very slowly.And if you stay you need to agree that you, too, want to engage in this psychological murder suicide.
If you have no essential attachments to this person, you must chose not to stay.If you stay know you are going down and need to accept on a spiritual level that you, as well, have some kind of life trauma you need to work out, and that you are choosing to stay to work it out. Otherwise do not stay.
If you have children, you have a more difficult balancing decision.It will be very harmful for your children either way, but you must use your best judgment to chose the path of least harm.In some cases you may find that if you are able to let go and work on yourself, you may be able to wait it out and this person may go into recovery.However this waiting cannot happen unless you take charge of your own life and all matters and keep your household to the standards you desire.Allow your spouse to stay based upon compassion, if you can, and only as a place to have a roof over their head.Gently disengaged form emotional entanglement with them.Do not be mean, do not tolerate abuse.If it becomes verbally abusive or physically abusive, you must move on.This situation will not get better on its own.It is not a small problem.It is a terrible illness that will try every day and every way to Infect you as well.Again this is not saying you should judge.It is saying you need to accept the course it will take, absent sobriety, and take care of those you are responsible for, including yourself.
Gabor Mate has written some great books on addiction and trauma.In the Realm or Hungry Ghosts is a great book.There is another book called The Burden of Sympathy, more about mental illness than addiction, but very good for anyone struggling with where to draw the line on c
Lambz - 25-Oct-20 @ 11:11 PM
When dealing with any person who uses too much alcohol, understand that this person will hurt you and the people around you.Don’t rely on other people’s views of how the person looks from the outside.Listen to your heart.Your intuition is making you aware that something is very off balance.
If you value the relationship,make a few initial attempts to discuss, as you would with any problem, but then you must stop discussing if there is not fairly prompt change.
It is proper to have compassion and not judge.But you must understand, and this has akin to the laws of physics, I will repeat, THIS IS AKIN TO THE LAWS OF PHYSICS, this person will go very far down and destroy a great deal.You will begin to lose your own good judgment.You will slowly slide into the rabbit hole of anger and resentment.What was clear to you at age 18, or 21, or 25, will be less clear.You will have self doubt and terrible guilt, which you would not have had if you hadn’t started going down into that vortex with this person.They are embracing life destroying energy..They are attacking to you with it.They are committing psychological murder suicide, very very slowly.And if you stay you need to agree that you, too, want to engage in this psychological murder suicide.
If you have no essential attachments to this person, you must chose not to stay.If you stay know you are going down and need to accept on a spiritual level that you, as well, have some kind of life trauma you need to work out, and that you are choosing to stay to work it out. Otherwise do not stay.
If you have children, you have a more difficult balancing decision.It will be very harmful for your children either way, but you must use your best judgment to chose the path of least harm.In some cases you may find that if you are able to let go and work on yourself, you may be able to wait it out and this person may go into recovery.However this waiting cannot happen unless you take charge of your own life and all matters and keep your household to the standards you desire.Allow your spouse to stay based upon compassion, if you can, and only as a place to have a roof over their head.Gently disengaged form emotional entanglement with them.Do not be mean, do not tolerate abuse.If it becomes verbally abusive or physically abusive, you must move on.This situation will not get better on its own.It is not a small problem.It is a terrible illness that will try every day and every way to Infect you as well.Again this is not saying you should judge.It is saying you need to accept the course it will take, absent sobriety, and take care of those you are responsible for, including yourself.
Gabor Mate has written some great books on addiction and trauma.In the Realm or Hungry Ghosts is a great book.There is another book called The Burden of Sympathy, more about mental illness than addiction, but very good for anyone struggling with where to draw the line on c
Lambz - 25-Oct-20 @ 11:11 PM
I always imagined an alcoholic as a hammered guy, who piss his pants and get drunk every day. But my husband was a high-functioning alcoholic with no outward signs of calamity. But on the inside, he was slowly dying. His drinking wasn’t getting worse as time passed, but his alcohol-induced depression was becoming debilitating and deadly. To me, my friends, neighbors, and most of my family, he was productive and helpful and gave all indications that we were happy. He did what He was supposed to do. He was a high-functioning alcoholic, and He played the role magnificently. I always knew, that something is wrong, but he never got me to talk about it, he was in denial. I read a book by Ellen Petersen (net-bossorg/how-to-help-an-alcoholic-you-love), which helped me to find a way to speak with my him. Now we both are on recovery, both supporting each other, changing our lives, and our love is bigger than ever!
BarbraL - 14-Apr-20 @ 8:18 PM
Hi. My partner has a drinkproblem. We argue about it all the time.I have wanted to kick him out but i feel guilty of givingup on our relationship but also angry that he is willing to give up on our relationship for alcohol. When he is soberhe admitsits destroying us but through the day he will go and buy wine. Evenif i kick off about it. When i am work he is starts drinking at lunch time and ratarsed by the time i am home. He can drink a glass of wine withinminutes. Is happy to drink on his ownand then gets depressed. Slags my family off as to make it look good for him. I am seriously pissed off. How do you talk to a drunk?? How do you convince them to get help
Amanda - 4-Jan-20 @ 9:12 PM
You'll only ever be an after thought and it will only get worse.
max - 16-Aug-19 @ 2:29 PM
As someone who has suffered around drunks all my life I would offer one piece of advice to anyone who is involved with a drinking partner - run!
jim - 21-Mar-19 @ 9:48 AM
Steffy - Your Question:
I have been dating this guy, I feel I have never been so madly in love with someone and he has been a dribker from the start but never was hard to deal with. The last 6 months or so he has been dribking a lot more and he is very cruel, disrespectful and snide toward me, accusing me of saying things ans thinking rhings I don't say like that I think he is fat and ugly. He has a gorgeous body but he thinks he is overweight and then says I am not attracted to him. The drunk version of him says he is leaving, packing up all his stuff and we are done. I consequently cry at night and then the next morning he says how amazing I am and that I'm the love of his life and we talk about marriage and children. I am so emotionally torn between the sober man that I am so inlove with and the drunk man that is spiteful and cruel. How do I talk to him to get him to want to drink less? What do I say to make him realize? He also says he wasn't that drunk and doesnt remember saying the mean things he says about me. However, today he said he thinks his drinking is getting overboard and that he needs to cool it. I had some hope but then we went out for dinner and a couple drinks and he was great. Until he had a whole glass of whiskey as soon as we sat on the couch. Then he was mean again and threatened to leave again. Ugh. I dont want to lose the man I love so much who does so much for me and helps around the house and is the best in bed I've ever had and is so caring and loving and gentle with me but I dont want do be around him when he is drunk and mean. Any advice?
Our Response:
Your partner has admitted that he drinks too much, that's a really good start. That in itself will not be enough for him to stop. You need to help him take the next step and get some help from an organisation like Alcoholics Anonymous.
AlcoholIssues - 13-Aug-18 @ 12:01 PM
I have been dating this guy, I feel I have never been so madly in love with someone and he has been a dribker from the start but never was hard to deal with. The last 6 months or so he has been dribking a lot more and he is very cruel, disrespectful and snide toward me, accusing me of saying things ans thinking rhings I don't say like that I think he is fat and ugly. He has a gorgeous body but he thinks he is overweight and then says I am not attracted to him. The drunk version of him says he is leaving, packing up all his stuff and we are done. I consequently cry at night and then the next morning he says how amazing I am and that I'm the love of his life and we talk about marriage and children. I am so emotionally torn between the sober man that I am so inlove with and the drunk man that is spiteful and cruel. How do I talk to him to get him to want to drink less? What do I say to make him realize? He also says he wasn't that drunk and doesnt remember saying the mean things he says about me. However, today he said he thinks his drinking is getting overboard and that he needs to cool it. I had some hope but then we went out for dinner and a couple drinks and he was great... Until he had a whole glass of whiskey as soon as we sat on the couch. Then he was mean again and threatened to leave again. Ugh. I dont want to lose the man I love so much who does so much for me and helps around the house and is the best in bed I've ever had and is so caring and loving and gentle with me but I dont want do be around him when he is drunk and mean. Any advice?
Steffy - 12-Aug-18 @ 10:33 AM
Hello I have been in relationship with my hubby for 5 years he is a acohoilic he has been verbally abusive to me and my girls. Never physical. Anyway my parents got involved I told them not to and leave it be my dad showed up at a bar where he was and made a scene when he was already drunk. Made it worse we are getting help but how do I remove the toxic controlling people out of my life I can't continue to have my parents make bad choices like that he is a good man and I want to help him they make him feel less and less every time judging him
Lori - 9-Jun-16 @ 3:52 PM
Madness - Your Question:
I married a man 5 years ago who appeared to be everything that I was looking for. Though there was heavy drinking from the start I naively thought that it would slow down after we got married. It didn't and I found myself going down the slippery slope as well. There was huge mistrust on his part and very obsessive behaviour plus lots of other signs as well. Two years ago his PA of 15 years was found to have stolen close to a million pounds from him over that time. I stepped him and helped him sort out all the paperwork as his business very nearly went under. The situation just roller coasted and there were more drink fuelled rows which led to me leaving the marital home. We susequently divorced but he was desperate to win me back and in June of last year I started dating him again and kept him very much at arm's length though I wanted us to be together. The distance kept me safe from his drinking as he promised me that he had cut down and I also knew that for my own good I didn't want to go back on that slippery slide again. I have now just found out that he is seeing a young woman of 33 years old who has a cocaine habit and abuses alcohol. She has been into rehab on numerous ocassions. She self harms and has been on suicide watch and been admitted to a phsyciatric unit a couple of time. She has been banned from driving for 3 years on Friday of this week and was seen driving his vehicle on the road. He has a firearms and shotgun certificate and stores guns in his temporary mobile home. He is 68 years old! I feel a duty of care to report what is going on but I don't want it to come back on me.
Our Response:
Could you try Crime Stoppers UK if you want to remain anonymous?
AlcoholIssues - 4-Feb-16 @ 12:33 PM
I married a man 5 years ago who appeared to be everything that I was looking for.Though there was heavy drinking from the start I naively thought that it would slow down after we got married.It didn't and I found myself going down the slippery slope as well.There was huge mistrust on his part and very obsessive behaviour plus lots of other signs as well.Two years ago his PA of 15 years was found to have stolen close to a million pounds from him over that time.I stepped him and helped him sort out all the paperwork as his business very nearly went under.The situation just roller coasted and there were more drink fuelled rows which led to me leaving the marital home.We susequently divorced but he was desperate to win me back and in June of last year I started dating him again and kept him very much at arm's length though I wanted us to be together.The distance kept me safe from his drinking as he promised me that he had cut down and I also knew that for my own good I didn't want to go back on that slippery slide again.I have now just found out that he is seeing a young woman of 33 years old who has a cocaine habit and abuses alcohol.She has been into rehab on numerous ocassions.She self harms and has been on suicide watch and been admitted to a phsyciatric unit a couple of time.
She has been banned from driving for 3 years on Friday of this week and was seen driving his vehicle on the road.He has a firearms and shotgun certificate and stores guns in his temporary mobile home. He is 68 years old!I feel a duty of care to report what is going on but I don't want it to come back on me.
Madness - 3-Feb-16 @ 10:52 AM
Hope you can help.My son 47yrs old is a bing drinker.He is single and has no one in his life but me, his dad.He says , when i am gone, what will be come of himself. Allthough i am 71 yrs old.I tell him not to worry as by the time i go he will be in his 60s and well able to take care of himself. Except for not having a full time job and over using his bank card.. He is well able to take care of himself.
I was hoping, you might be able to put me in touch with some one in the Liverpool UK area, who i might help me.As his bing drinking is causing a whole lot of stress
One last thing. If you (i hope you do) reply to my request. Please call me Steve, as i would not like my son to find this email.
Keep up the work and Many thanks.
Steve
PS He has tried counseling but has not stopped him
Steve - 14-Nov-13 @ 9:00 PM
Hi Marky.
What a worry for you. My guess, unfortunately, would be that there is not. Even if the proprietor banned him for his own good, there will always be the next pub down the road that will be happy to take your fathers money. Sad but true I'm afraid.
How addicted is your father? I can recommend a good book ... Allen Carr's Easy way to control alcohol, though the will to give up or cut down will need to be there in the first place.
Have you tried talking your concerns over with your father, or is there another member of your family who can help? Wishing you and your father all the best for the future.
smidgekat - 23-Sep-12 @ 10:31 AM
What I want to know is, is there any law or procedure I can use to force our local pub to stop serving my alcoholic father. Ive asked them politely to bar him and they admit he has a problem but he spends alot of money in there and they are reluctant to stop him coming in.
marky - 27-Oct-11 @ 12:26 PM
