Living With an Alcoholic
Living with an alcoholic is generally a rollercoaster of a ride. It’s hard for those around the drinker to understand that actually they can’t help themselves and usually family will find themselves affected deeply. It is a family disease, in as much as it affects the whole household. When things are good and the drinking is under control, then everyone is happy. But when alcohol takes over again, chaos and disorder reign.
Unpredictable Behaviour
It depends on who is the one with the problem as to how unpredictable behaviour will affect those around them, but the alcoholic can never be relied upon to behave in a proper fashion. Alcoholic parents obviously have a far reaching effect on children, causing chaos in the house. In a house where alcohol abuse is prevalent, there will be arguments and abuse, whether it’s physical or mental. The alcoholic will be drunk a lot of the time, very often aggressive or emotional. It’s a home filled with turmoil and confusion. Nobody knows from one day to the next what is going to happen.Children
Children often blame themselves when they have alcoholic parents, thinking that it’s their fault that mum or dad drinks too much. They will often over-compensate for this by trying to help or plead with the drinker to stop. It can destroy childhoods and cause huge problems in later life, as they will grow up feeling unhappy and just spending most of their time wishing desperately that mum or dad was just a normal, loving parent instead of this crazy, drunken person who can be lovely one minute, filled with rage and violence the next. Alcoholic homes also have a very high incidence of physical and sexual abuse.Partners
The husband or wife of an alcoholic will find life very difficult. Alcoholics are unreliable, often going missing through drunkenness, failing to turn up when they are supposed to, or turning up really drunk and defensive. Social occasions are a minefield, with the sober partner often having to apologise for behaviour, or even remove the person from a situation because they are out of control.Domestic violence is a very common occurrence in relationships where alcohol is a problem, and arguments will happen often. Alcohol removes self control, and this leads to unacceptable behaviour and often aggression. Home life will be chaotic, with normal daily patterns such as eating dinner, keeping the house tidy and clean, having friends round or even paying bills completely disrupted and it’s completely normal for the partner of an alcoholic to find themselves supporting the drinker in every way. They will feel almost like they’re looking after a wayward child as the alcoholic cares little about what’s going on around them.
Lies and Deception
A real feature of alcoholism is deception. Lying about the quantity they have drunk, lying about where they have been, lying about giving up – these are all extremely common elements in an alcoholic relationship. It’s another extremely destructive pattern, as the person close to the alcoholic will often plead with them to stop, even try to help. It’s not going to work, the only person who can effect that decision is the alcoholic, and until that point it’s often usual for them to pretend they’re giving up or cutting down. But don’t be fooled, just when you think they have been sober for a couple of days, you’ll open a cupboard and find empties hidden away.Remorse
Finally there is remorse to deal with. The alcoholic inevitably has to sleep and will very often wake up feeling perfectly dreadful. This is aside from any physical symptoms from the alcohol abuse itself, they will often feel awful about what they have done the day before, swear to get clean, apologise profusely to those they have hurt around them, and quite possibly mean every word of it. And hope fills the house. But the booze will take hold again and before long things are back on that rollercoaster.The Recovering Alcoholic
Living with the recovering alcoholic has its challenges too, so be aware of that. That person will never stop being an alcoholic, however long they are sober. And relapses are common. That’s not to say it’s hopeless, there are many, many alcoholics who have taken control successfully, but it’s a continual process to stay on top of the disease and any partner or family of a recovering alcoholic must also be aware of that.
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Comments...
After being with my 2nd husband for just over 11 years, he has finally declared himself as an alcoholic. Unfortunatley for him during our 'roller coaster' of a relationship, he has killed off all the love that I had for him, yet I still let him stay with me - is this through a sense of duty or some deep seated love for him that I don't want to admit to? I honestly do not know. It has not been for the want of asking him to stop drinking in the past, I have begged him but he keeps going back to it and finds another way to scare me to the point that I shake inside. Recently he has joined a local AA meeting and we are going to take the 'plunge' and also go to Relate - this has been my idea as even though I feel so desolute and empty inside, I still actualy like the sober man that I fell for. Apart from this relationship counselling, I do not know where to turn or who to turn to. He has destroyed so much through his drinking that I sometimes fear that this could be the end of us. I'm so emotionally wrecked that I've even contemplated suicide - if not for my children, I certainly think that this would have been a possibility. How can he destroy the only person who he professes to love so dearly??
Sharon - 5 January 2012 @ 1:55 PM
I'm 15 and my dad is an alcoholic. My mum left him 5 years ago when I was 10 and I went with her. He is very hard work when he has been drinking which is most of the time, and it was very difficult for my mum to leave him due to his violence when he has been drinking. I grew up around the arguments and the drinking so knew nothing different. I would of been around 7 when I saw the extent of it except being so young I didn't think much of it, just thought it was the norm. As I grew older I became to realise how his drinking affected my mum and older sister, as it had began to affect me. So at the age of 10 and staying in a 1 bedroomed house which was old and very cold I decided I could no longer cope and needed to go back home. My dad was often still getting drunk but now had began to smoke. He constantly swore and made everyone's life a misery. Over the past few years nothing has changed after promising me he will change he still is that same man today, 3 relationships on though. around 10 months ago I went on holiday with him and he got so drunk things got messy, my sister finally gave up and has decided she does not wish to see him, he hasn't made the effort to get in contact either. Today though I had to say goodbye to my stepmum because she is taking her boys and going back to her family as she can not cope with him and his drinking anymore. I love my dad so much and have always been close to him, even if we haven't spoke. I am trying to move on though and know it is for the best to no longer be in any contact with him because each time I am he always breaks my heart. It's incredibly hard watching someone you love destroy themselves, and drink constantly. He wouldn't change for my mum, his other partners and he certainly won't change for his own kids. I was wondering if anyone else has experienced anything similar and how you coped with it all, as I am really struggling to move on with my own life. I can no longer be around the violence and abuse anymore. Please help Laura
laura - 4 January 2012 @ 8:08 PM
Hi Annie - you certainly have got a lot of anger stored up inside you there. You talk about "my two young children" rather than "our" or "his" young children - you say the alcohol's stopped now although you appear to be more angry now than when he was drinking. Is it because as an enabler you don't have any control over him now that he isn't drinking any more? Don't get me wrong - I'm not blaming you - I'm only commenting on what you wrote. You've had a lot in your life with partners and family and it's understandable that at some point in your life it was going to come out. I can't advise, I can only say what I feel based on your comments. Lets look at what you've detailed. On the positive side...1. You wanted him to stop drinking - he has. 2. You say he loves the children and they love him. 3. You say he is very gentle, never aggressive. 4. You say he always gives you his money.On the negative side...1. There's obviously been a lot of lying from him regarding alcohol. 2. You feel the smiling is false and that obviously bothers you. 3. There is the emotional disconnect between you. 4. It sounds like you feel he has turned the children again you...You say you want to come to terms with your own feelings. Firstly you need to stop projecting hurt that has been caused to you by other people onto him - deal with what he's done. Secondly, don't forget that alcoholism is a illness, one that apparently he has overcome for the sake of his family. You talk of martyrdom and huge mood swings - these are both symptoms of depression - be it bipolar or manic. If you have a family history of that then I'd have a word with your GP and get his advice. To me you really need to stand back from your current situation and ask yourself what it is that you really want - where do you want to be in 5 years time for example. Sometimes when you're so close to a problem, you can't see the answer staring you in the face. I don't know if this has made it any easier or worse, but remember that the only way to unravel a knotted ball of string is one knot at a time...Good luck for your future
Peter - 2 January 2012 @ 8:41 PM
I have lived with my husband for 25 years. A few years ago, he stopped disappearing (binge drinking) when I finally found the courage to expose him to his family. He stopped disappearing but continued drinking. Last year he stopped when I exposed him to my children. He has always been very good at hiding his drink problem from everyone (me too!) - I stupidly kept his secret for years. We are both bad communicators into the bargain. I was always made to feel like it was my problem. Everyone around me (my sister is an alcoholic, my mother a manic depressive) drank. I feel very angry now - alot of uncommunicated, dusted under the carpet and never spoken about emotions - keep coming to the fore in my mind but never get properly vented as not how things are done in his family. Despite begging him for years, even threatening which has now provided me controlling behaviour I never used to have (he his very gentle by the way and kind, never aggressive - always remorseful, sorry etc.and able most of the time to hold down a job.He gives all his money though never takes charge of the bill paying or organisation of anything). I realise now this has been the major issue - the kindness - plus my being a massive enabler - always). He is also always smiling but it feels so false. My situation now is that he craves the love and attention from my two young children - like this redeems him and I have really started to resent him for it. There is a definate emotional disconnect between my husband and me - my punishment to him is a closed heart and lack of intimacy as a way of protecting myself from how he makes me feel. My children love their father dearly. Especially now he is sober - they would not see any reason or understand why I would ask him to leave, I feel even more desparate - like it is me who will be causing pain and hurt. In my mind, I am wondering if it is because I have found a gap where my husband isn't drinking and I can and wnat to finally start coming to terms with my own feelings (really beng honest with myself, starting to think about my own needs including why I attracted such a person - my previous partner of two years - I was just a teenager then - was a drunk and I left the relationship, pregnant at just 18 years old. I certainly feel better knowing my husband is not drinking anymore. Maybe after all these years, I finally accomplished my matrydom mission? I find myself having turned into a passive aggressive I think - I certainly feel a huge amount of anger and tend to lash out to my husband unexpectadly - all sweetness and light and trying desparately not to fail in my marriage and make it work for the children's sake, Then, boom - I feel moody, depressed and very, very angry - explosive. I feel that my children think I am the worse parent. I noticed my personality has changed from confident and outgoing and happy to introvert, miserable and silent. My husband is great socially - very highly able - but I feel he talks crap alot of the time.
Annie - 2 January 2012 @ 12:32 AM
Hi Mia
In answer to your question "why do we put up with it" the simple answer has to be that we love them - if we didn't it would be so easy to walk away and leave our troubles behind us. You say "you want out but don't know how" - what is it you want out of? Do you want "out" of the relationship or just out of the problems whilst staying in the relationship? Only you know the details of your own situation, but I would say to have a good look at your life... be HONEST with yourself about if your partner is willing and able to change, and if not, then think about getting a life apart. For me it was simple (if hard) - we didn't have any kids together so it was easy to start afresh - if that 's your decision, I would suggest that you put as much in place as possible (sort out somewhere to go, move clothing and personal items beforehand) then talk to him about what you intend to do (so long as it doesn't lead to violence) - maybe the fact that you're ready to leave will be the necessary push to make him change - if not then take a deep breath and make the break. For me it been about 6 weeks now since the break, and while it's still difficult, every day is a tiny bit easier. 2012 could be a good year for you - what your life is going to be like is entirely up to you...Good luck whatever happens - Happy new year
Peter - 31 December 2011 @ 7:49 AM
Just when you think you can deal with it, something bigger comes up.My partner is an alchoholic and i am an enabler....My question to everyone is why do we put up with this mess up behavior,,,yes is an illness we all know that but what about the other part WHY>>>> lack of self esterm, acceptting the condition, want to save someone? think is not that bad....u name it!
i want out and cant find my way! help me.....thanks
Mia
mia - 27 December 2011 @ 5:59 AM
After 16 years of living on and off with an alcoholic partner I've finally decided to make the break for good. I don't really know where my life is going to take me now as I've got so used to being part of a relationship that I'm finding it hard to think of myself in the singular. Like most of you here I've gone through the whole cycle of the drinking followed by the arguments followed by the apologies....only for it to start all over again a week later. I've come to realize that I've been as big a part of the problem as the alcohol itself by allowing it to happen over and over again. My problem is that I truly care for her and it hurts me to see her suffering when she's trying to cut down - and rather than be strong and saying "no" when she asks for a drink I relent and want to believe her protestations that she'll keep it under control.
Some of you might think I'm being unfair leaving when she says that she's trying to cut down - but I truly believe that she will never give up whilst I'm still around. This has gone on for so long now that it's affected the whole family, everyone having their say and whilst maybe meaning well, they just inflame the situation even more. Sometimes as the song says "if you love someone, set them free"... I really hope I'm doing the right thing, but I fear that if I don't one or both of us will end up in a box.
I'm sorry if this all sounds sad and indulgent, it wan't meant to (I really am upbeat under all the pain and hurt) - I just hope she will come through this long dark tunnel she's in safe and well. Thank you for reading (if there's anyone out there) and if you're religious, please say a prayer for her.
Thank you again and I hope any problems you may have will subside too
Peter
Peter - 23 November 2011 @ 7:08 PM
Hi,
I am at my witsend, my partner has a drink problem, but is he an alcoholic?He can drink when we go out and not to excess and is fine.However when he is on his own he will go and buy a bottle of Brandy and drink the lot often lying about it, thinking I can't tell he is drunk, he has driven into work and been sent home so far he has been lucky to keep his job.We live together and whilst he has had a bad childhood and as a result suffers with a stutter, I consider him to be a very fotunate man.We had a lovely weekend away, he was off today and when I rang him from work at 10.00am he wa drunk, denying it of course.Eventually today he has admitted he has a problem and given me all his money and cards.Where do we go from here, I love him to bits but after being in a violent previous relationship with a drinker not sure I can cope.
Angie - 21 November 2011 @ 9:38 PM
i am 39 years old and my wife is an alcoholic. We have 2 beautifull girls aged 9 & 6. I totally understand what everyone here is going through, it is like living in a never ending nightmare. Despite my wife recently going to a rehab for 4 weeks, she continues to drink brandy, whiskey or wine almost daily. She does go to aa meetings occasionaly but it doesn't make her stop.
The girls are affected by her drunken moods and it is so hard to know what to do. I have made her leave on a few occasions only for her to return, promising she'll stop but never does.
I go to alanon meetings when i can and find that they do help. Unfortunately they are midweek at 8pm when my wife is normally drunk, so i need to be here to get girls off to sleep.
I know that we are meant to be compassionate, as it is an illness, but how long can i keep putting our girls and me through this madness?
I am self employed and can only do bits and peices of work uring school time as i can't trust my wife to collect girls from school sober.
Can anyone recommend a legal website where i can get advice on possibly divorce, if i'd need to sell our house even if i got custody of our girls etc?
To finish on a more positive note, we all need to be strong for our children and for our own sakes.
I found going to alanon has helped. There are people there that swear it has saved their sanity and helped them to live a happy life.
Presently, i am feeling very low, but i know that i have to concentrate on the good things in life and to keep positive, and to somehow try and keep calm while living with the madness an alcoholic brings.
God bless people and lets try and keep positive and understand we ALL can have a good future, lets not let them dictate it but ourselves!
bp - 18 November 2011 @ 12:14 PM
Hi again- embarrassing to go on but just overwhelmed by the similarities-don't want his/her death on my conscience, lovable, witty, smart, competent when not drunk, etc.What can we do? Our martyrdom insults these people. They may often think we're pathetic for putting up with their abuse, when they think about us at all when drunk. They don't want our support- they want us to get angry and act on ultimatums. Otherwise, they will carry on involving us. We are hostages unless we leave the situation. What is "love" anyway? We're all going to feel grief when they or we leave, one way or the other. We are waiting for something that may never happen - they will never love us the way we love them. We are just needing them to feed an emptiness that we can possibly fill with real love and goodness if we're brave enough. Of course it's complicated by finances and children but there are ways around these "obstacles" - that's how we must view them in order to move around them. We have to be dispassionate about this. Get rid of the feelings, perhaps try a numbing medication for a bit, and get on with smililng again. The same way is certain death.My flatmate/ex has had multiple meetings, support sessions with state funded groups- haven't helped at all I suppose because he's relatively young and rebounds to health quickly. But if I hadn't saved him literally from the street, he may not have had the luxuryof attending these sessions. I'm losing my liberal mind!
Salamandada - 12 November 2011 @ 7:51 PM
Sorry... just reviewing the comments here and you all seem like lovely, intelligent people. Just makes me so angry that people are prey to such selfish, destructive, delusional types.I think we've got to find out what our weaknesses are so that we can escape the horror. I've never had a happy relationship, abused by mother, etc so I think I know how screwed up I am and know that we've got to forgive these people, be kind, and get away from them. Sorry for rambling. Another saturday night and I ain't got nobody. I've never posted on a blog before and hate facebook. Courage!
Salamandada - 12 November 2011 @ 7:31 PM
And courage to all of us - we need it. We must be positive and kind to yourself and others. And get away, somehow,from the incubi and succubi who are dragging us to hell with them.
Salamandada - 12 November 2011 @ 7:20 PM
I like a couple of the others here am hostage to my flatmate/ex-boyfriend's binge drinking and abuse. I've lost the little self-confidence I had caring for this person for 5 years. I'm so angry for being co-dependent. I hope he leaves because I know I'll continue to care for him during his self-centred episodes (pay for taxis to work instead of cycling as I should, eat and sleep poorly due to stress, give him money, send apologies to tutors for his late work, be an object of his verbal abuse- I'm not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough- so why doesn't he just go get the exotic MP he desires if he's the next Niall Ferguson?)Due to his oblivion and incontinence during these binges he's ruined so many objects of comfort I've bought for myself, mattresses, a handmade quilt and it doesn't matter to him because they're "luxury" items. He's not stupid or insensitive but very manipulative and feels entitled to a life he's not earned and because I'm not "successful" , have no statues and am not adequately indie or pretty, he doesn't care how I feel. I don't care any longer, not my problem. Just another screwed up person I can't help. I've been pathetic during these times- there was a time I could've left him and should have for both our sakes but I felt guilty and unworthy of any healthy attention. It takes two I know.
Salamandada - 12 November 2011 @ 7:16 PM
we all seem to be saying the same thing here- we love our partners no matter what. and we dont know what to do. my husband has come in from the pub tonight at 8.45 , with a bottle of cheap brandy. a month ago in a drunken stupor he attacked me and my 20 yr old daughter, i had to call the police but they took so long to get here that i battered my husband. i was fighting for my daughters and my life and i bit scratched punched kicked gouged and pinched and did everything i could to get away from him. if i had had a knife to hand i might have used it on him.the police took him away and he spent the night in a cell. he is now under caution and keeps telling me i have ruined his life.he has not spoken to me tonight since i reminded him that he promised that he wouldnt bring spirits into the house again. he says he didnt promise anything and its all my fault for winding him up. my children would like me to divorce him. but i do love him and just want him not to drink.what can i do?
nan - 5 November 2011 @ 10:46 PM
I am sitting here alone, as usual feeling so desparately alone, my wife is the alcoholic, and it has all but driven me to a nervous breakdown, but I keep my chin up and keep going forward, but there's a point which I feel I have reached with her.Each night is the same, 7pm - start drinking ignores everything and all conversation is out except for the non commital humf or nod of the head. It's too hard to clearly explain. I have tried everything with her even letting her deal with the household bills, what a hugh disasterous mess that was. nothing got paid absoluty nothing and we lapsed on all insurance policies, what a disaster. I have lost all confidence in her, she forgets everything and if she doesnt want to do something, she ignores it and says nothing until something happens.Her appearance and looks have paid dearly for the excessive drinking and I dont think she cares or knows.she wont talk unless I talk first and now I just dont bother talking at all if she is drinking.Theres a pecking order in every house and she has made me feel that the moment she starts drinking I may as well be invisible.Her drinking has got me into so much trouble, I am having sleepless nights, worried with stress.its as if I dont feel free, I feel held captive and unable to leave. My life feels stale and pointless. Dont misunderstand I am not suicidal I am just expressing myself.I dream of just leaving and seeing the world (who doesn't) but we all have financial obligations even moral ones to continue with.
mail.failure - 8 October 2011 @ 10:24 PM
I can't agree with the poster who said she found Al-Anon a support. As the wife of a 'recovering' alcoholic I went to several meetings in my local area and found a load of sad, beaten down women who moaned on endlessly about how awful their lives were. They were so self-obsessed, so committed to wallowing in their own misery, that they couldn't even be bothered to talk to me. After several weeks, I still hadn't been approached or offered any telephone numbers. I just didn't want to be like that; I wanted to meet people who were upbeat, positive, and had found a way to get on with their lives despite who they were married to. I'm still not doing very well, and I feel incredibly isolated. If anyone can offer me any advice, and perhaps an alternative to Al-Anon that won't cost any money (he's spent all our savings on alcohol/an affair) I would be grateful. I live in Surrey.
JaneH - 8 October 2011 @ 12:04 PM
I can identify with all the comments about living with an alcoholic and trying for 38 years to change someone I used to love who had become a monster that drained the life out of me.I had lost all self worth and confidence by the time he found solace in alcohol and another woman. That was 10 years ago I am now a more confidenthappier human being, no longer obsessed with someone elses addiction. This became possible by living a more sane and honest life with the help of Al-Anon. I could not believe that this gentle 12 step programme could could give me back my life. The people all understand the insanity of living in the nightmare of hoplesness and despair and give unconditional love and support freely. Try it.
B - 1 October 2011 @ 10:31 AM
My situation is different, my partner had been married for years with 3 children, apparently he left her as she nagged him all the time but he allowed her not to work and gave her everything she needed. I met him later after his next 8 year relationship broke down and she met someone else. I have never been married or had children. Anyway I ended up buying a house which in these days a small mortgage 3 years ago. Today he has a lovely BMW, I dont drive by the way, yet we do not even have curtains up at the windows.If I hear the words I have no money again, I swear I will scream after his 10th night out god knows where and driving and another takeaway thrown around the kitchen for me to clear up either before I go to work or when I get in, but my work is a breeze, he is the one that works sooooo hard, me I go to work for a laugh and if I dont cook, clean, organise birthday, sort bills out ect im a c***. a night out has to involve drink which means as a couple we dont go out. and I'm sick of being called useless, stupid, lazy and today a cheat.. when would I get time to cheat????? Im either at work or at home, Im not the one out until 12. 1 am????
Kimbo - 12 September 2011 @ 5:01 AM
I am sitting here yet again with tears rolling down my face, as yet again another row has ensued about alcohol, he's been down the pub and brought cans home even though there is no money for food. I love him but I just don't know how much more I can take. Sometimes I feel like I would rather end it all rather than try and face up to the problem. There doesn't seem to be any way out of this situation he's been like this for over 2 yrs now. I make excuses for him all the time to friends and relatives when he doesn't turn up when he says he will etc. I used to be such a strong person but now I don't feel I have any fight left and to be honest nothing to fight for, even my sanity seems to be worthless at the moment.
shakira - 8 September 2011 @ 11:25 PM
I can so relate to Cara and Pixie. It is like i wrote it myself. I have been with my partner for 10 years. For the first 4 he was completely sober and he was fantastic to be with. After having our 1st daughter he fell off the wagon big time. He became completely un recognisable. He sobered up and fell off the wagon again. He then stayed sober for 18 months and we had another child. He was drunk when he came to the hospital to bring me and the baby home and he has been on and off the wagon ever since. He cant cope with any stress, in fact he cant cope with real life. I am constantly making excuses for him to everyone. He steals money out of my bag and takes the kids pocket money they got from the grandparents. We are always broke and now in debt. Ive had enough. The constant fear and anxiety has made me ill. He hasnt hit me but he is verbally abusive and aggressive. Of course in the morning he is sorry and declares undying love. I am now ready to leave despite huge opposition from his parents who think i should stay. I just wish i knew where to start. We have a joint mortgage so i dont know if i will get any financial help until i can get back on my own two feet. Im glad i have read these other comments from people. I never knew there were so many of us. Best wishes to you all.
nicki - 30 August 2011 @ 1:28 PM
my dad has always had an addictive personality (according to my mum) when he smoked it was all full on until he weighed 8 stone and could barely breath, then he gave up and was addicted to nicorette gum for 4 year until he ground his teeth down.He always drank but when he gave up smoking he started to introduce wine to his daily consumption of beer, this is what he drinks in front of us but my mum finds quantities of cheep brandy bottles reguarly. i approached him about this 5 years ago when it seemed to getting out of control and my mum had exhausted herself trying to discuss it with him, we ended up arguing but later he decided he would cut out brandy and wine from his consumption. It never resolved it and i have recently spent a week away with dad which left me in dispair, he was sneeking off to drink before breakfast and i found him waking 2 -3 times per night swigging wine and beer fron the fridge. i felt complete sadness and dispair and anger.
nik - 5 August 2011 @ 9:35 PM
After reading everyone's stories I feel as if I am reading about my own life. I have recently left my relationship and am seeking sole custody of our beautiful, happy, healthy little girl. Her father is a binge drinker and off the wagon more than he is on. When he he sober we are "almost a family" but almost is not good enough for me. I have left him before and always have gone back because of his repeated attempts to get sober. However, he does not want to seek professional help and is telling me now that he has stopped drinking and will stay sober on his own. I have had enough of his drunken rants, urinating himself when he finally passes out and watching our toddler want nothing to do with him when he is drinking. Everyone's stories have helped me confirm I am doing the right thing...so I thank everyone for that. At this point I have to do what it best for myself and our little girl and that is removing us from a home that an alcoholic resides in. I have her future to think about. Stay strong everyone and keep your heads up, its the best we can do in any situation.
Tina - 28 July 2011 @ 4:30 AM
As a recovering alcoholic I thought I had left the past behind me and continue to lead a normal sober happy life with my husband and then teenage children. I was a binge drinker. That was ten years ago.Since then my husbands drinking has increased and he has a serious alcohol problem. I have done everything I can to help him but he still continues to drink up to a bottle of vodka a day. Because I know how it feels to be controlled by the bottle and the mental and physical problems it causes it has made me sympathetic towards him. Not anymore, I have had enough.
gill - 25 July 2011 @ 9:25 PM
All of the aforementioned are a real part of my life.
What to do..... I'm finding this such a dilemna. I love my husband truly, though feel I make it too easy for him to continue his chaotic lifestyle. There is never a good time to talk about serious issues !! He is either really intoxicated, suffering a hangover, very fragile, or, getting better !!
Serious issues are : the continuance of our marriage ?
Financial issues, should i take over complete control and stop relying on any financial input from him.
Should i involve a lawer ?
I have lived like this for 2 years now. Have been married for 20 years. My husband has been in for private therapy twice in the past 2 years , with little success, seemed to introduce narcotics into his life, as many of the people he met in RECOVERY, used narcotics, also made other drugs available.
My husband is a truly lovely person when he is 'on the wagon',though an absolute nightmare, when drinking.
I understand alcoholism is an illness......selfishness is not an illness, though it is a big part of alcoholics problems.
Maybe today was not the best time to write this. My husband is off on one, I wish it was different. It is up to him to change, I can only support him, though it never seems enough.
I think I'll join Al Anon, as a support mechanism....to try and focus, in the right direction.
I need to put myself first in this relationship, for too long I've taken a back seat to an alcoholic husband and I've put too much faith and belief in him.
tricia - 17 July 2011 @ 2:20 PM
After 35+ years of growing up with an alcoholic mother I have finally decided to seek help. Not for her but for me and my young family.
I have read all the comments here and feel shocked, saddened but also deeply reassured that the nonsense I have grown up with is consistent with other peoples experiences.
Becoming a parent of two fantastic children has really illustrated the responsibilities a parent has and how far from the mark my mother is.
I need help because the anxiety and stress that her behaviour causes me filters through to my fiancée and children. For that reason I am looking to find way of coping that ensure my family are protected.
Ed - 14 July 2011 @ 11:19 AM
To all affected by alcoholism - been there, done that - there is help available and it is there for you. Go to an Al-Anon meeting, you must put yourself first because alcoholism is an incurable disease, you are not the cause, you cannot control the alcoholic in your life nor can you cure them. Living with an alcoholic can seriously harm you - I can only say from experience it really helps
Anon - 13 July 2011 @ 3:34 PM
Hi all,
I'm a gay man in a civil partnership.We got married only 4 months ago, and since then my partner's drinking has got worse.It is like he is possessed when he is drunk.His eyes don't look right, he slurs his speech, gets picky and argumentative, and I can never do any right.I can see all the signs and have learnt to be passive and try not to get into arguments.I had the Police round a couple of months ago after he scared me in a drunken rage smashing things up.He never touched me, but his demeanour was so threatening.
He has been the victim of domestic violence, and I think this has a lot to do with his drinking.I try to be understanding and he has been to the Drug and Alcohol Abuse Team, gone through detox then fallen off the rails.He has stolen from a shop to feed his drinking habit, and this weekend taken an overdose because he does not want to see me hurt anymore.The thing is an overdose would hurt me more than anything, as I would lose the man I still love, despite everything, and despite the debt his drinking has got us into.
I feel that there is nothing more I can do to help, last night he flooded downstairs from us, because he had broken the bath.It was an accident, but he is not thinking straight.The flat is a mess, and he does not seem to care.
He has said he will go home and try to go on a rehab programme where he will be locked up for six weeks, which I hope he will and sort himself out.I love him more than anyone or anything, but am not sure that continuing to stick by him is going to be the answer as I am sure that he will lapse again.
Life is such a mess.In the meantime I go to work to try and pay the bills whilst he sleeps off his latest hangover, jobless because he has lost the plot.
Mart
Mart - 12 July 2011 @ 10:50 AM
i am struggleing. i am about 2 get married in 9 weeks time. my partner has said hes going to cut down on his drinking. he gives the excuse that he needs to unwind after a hard day at work. he has 12 cans in front of him and whenever we goes out he always drinks and then has additional cans at home. whenever i speak to him about it he always turns it round as though i am at fault.im so confused. i really love him. i have lost a family member through drink and he doesnt seem to realise.
cecilia - 8 July 2011 @ 8:26 PM
My husband was one of the social drinkers of the seventy's, he only drank at the weekend if we went out or at his beloved fishing meetings. He started drinking every night about 15 years ago, first it was normal lager 4 cans, then increased when his mum died 10 years ago to the highest volume lager 4 cans and sometimes small bottles of whiskey or rum. Now he drinks the strong 4 cans every night and has benders every week, if he is depressed. He is on a lot of medication and does realise when sober that he has to stop. His main excuse is drinking at night is the only way he can relax and he does suffer with anxiety and has bad dreams and fights in his sleep. For this reason I haven't slept with him for 3 years. My problem is I have been married for 32 years and if I make him leave I would hate to think something would happen to him. If I left I would be leaving material thngs which doesn't mean anything but I couldn't afford to as I work and pay all the bills.
questions but no ans - 4 July 2011 @ 4:20 PM
I don’t think the right help is out there for those who must live with an Alcoholic, because their lives are like walking a constant tightrope. Such people need urgent help themselves in their home on a one – to - one basis, to empty their minds of the ongoing torture and find a closeness of support which at present, does not exist.
Finally, I have read all the comments above with such care and my heart goes out to you all, because I myself am walking the tightrope.
Nicky - 4 July 2011 @ 11:21 AM
Mr hurting, I really think before you do anything else you need to go to see your GP and ask for some help, whether it be anti-depressants and someone to talk to, you can also go to Al-Anon.I would love to say to you that your wife will stop drinking when you tell her how ill you are feeling but unfortunately alcoholism is a disease, she is ill herself and will find it hard to empathise with your feelings.I am sure she is a wonderful person and that is why you love her and have supported her for years but don't you deserve to have a life?This can happen for you but I imagine you are hugely guilty (misplaced of course!) and your self confidence has all but been knocked out of you.There are people there for you, just have the willpower to move forward.I hope this helps
Pixie - 17 June 2011 @ 1:05 PM
Hey Cara, I have up until last week been in the same situation as you.I left my alcoholic partner last week after four years, with our three year old son with me.Your question, "Why cant he see what he is losing?" struck me as that is what I asked myself as I packed up and walked out of the door.Unfortunately my boyfriend told me he wouldn't give up drink to save his relationship with his son, who is the most adorable fun little man!"Why" I asked myself too?My response to him was I cannot compete with the bottle another day, what me and your son give you will never be enough to compete with the satisfaction alcohol gives you. His love affair is with drink and until this relationship stops there is no room for us.I will not live in a fake world another day where I lie to my family, I shake with anxiety and cry through loneliness.He has been an emotional bully and physical... The worst thing was I started drinking too, to numb the pain, only in the evenings when my son was in bed.This brought no comfort, it never will.I hate to say this but until your partner gives up drinking I don't think you can be happy in this hell hole of a situation.Best of luck and look after yourself and your two beautiful children.You deserve a life too
Pixie - 17 June 2011 @ 12:49 PM
My Wife been like this for 13 years now and really really really bad this last yearnow with me getting to the stage that I don't even want to be on this planet anymore as I am now 57 yrs old and can't bear the pain of having to go away and be on my own , I still love her but seeing her destroy herself and a nice house we always had with ciggy burns all over the place and near fires because of ciggys still lit when she has dropped them and doesn't know, is really too much and now feel so down with it all and no real help for her available I can't take it any longer and wished my life was at an end as to take the pain away and get some peace in life . Does or can anyone help PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.
Mr Hurting - 15 June 2011 @ 10:12 PM
I have a friend who has come to live with me. I have known him for most of his life. He started drinking heavily about 8 years ago. Since then he has lost contact with his child, become unemployed and unemployable, lost accommodation and bounced in and out of staying with me. Today he has decided to kill himself, and subsequently got completley and totally drunk following the come down from the crisis. He loses bladder control and has urinated on the floor around my home and through the kitchen on his way to the bathroom. There is a toilet next to his bedroom, I had a new bedroom constructed next to it to make it easier for him. I am a pub landlord and some may say it is the cross I have to bear for my occupation. I am however a responsible aclohol retailer and my friend's consumption is supported at his expense from local shops.I cannot cope with the chaos, uncertainty, physical and emotional stress of trying to help when he fails is unremorseful and repeats the same process. I have heard everything he has to say about all his woes that is justification. It is simply a script, I am sure he believes it and it gives him permission to carry on in the same way. He only remains as he has nowhere else to go and I am afraid he will die if I throw him out and I don't want his death on my conscience.
fool - 14 May 2011 @ 12:10 AM
I lost my mum to alcohol and watched her go, it was terrible, she did not recognise me and to see her nose packed with tissue to prevent bleeding was enough. I have just resigned as a serving police sergeant and for guess what? The morning after situation, I have lost a good career but thankfully my wife stands by me but insists I need help , I have looked at the web site and recognise that a lot of it describes my behaviour and traits.Can you help? Any advice would be appreciated.
Kinger - 26 April 2011 @ 11:58 AM
I think I am a potential alcoholic. I have been drinking almost every day for the past month. Before, I would drink only during weekends. Now, I drink daily and can't wait to get my alcohol fix at the end of the night. I really have to stop because my college classes resume in literally three days, and I have a seven-year-old son who depends on me for care. Also, my fiance loves me very much, and I would hate to disappoint him. His younger brother, who is my best friend, thinks that I am an alcoholic, my skin will suffer, and alcohol will age me badly. I have to stop drinking.
pink - 9 April 2011 @ 9:01 AM
My wife has been a heavy (cider) drinker for a long time now but it's getting progressively worse. To the outside world she seems pleasant and happy. We have four teenage children and all the associated issues that come with that so her heavy drinking is an additional burden. She drinks at home mainly when she is not at work and no one outside our family unit is aware of the problems it is causing. She doesn't see it as a problem, and thinks I'm the problem and need to "chill out". I'm desperate for some kind of support, but just don't know where to turn. Help !!
Charlieboy - 3 April 2011 @ 9:22 PM
Please help, it sounds like my life story, I have remortgaged to send him to a private rehab, and a second rehab for him to come back and start drinking. He works and comes home and sleep and sleeps through the weekend. I want out but nowhere to go can someone please help. I have two children, elder one being nine is very affected by the pschycological effects on me.
varsh - 30 March 2011 @ 2:50 PM
Someone please help me. Everything I have just read sounds like me and my life. I have been with my partner since I was 15, I am now 26. We have two beautiful children and everyday is a battle with alcohol we just go round in circles. None of my friends and family understand what I'm going through. I feel so alone. I just need someone to talk to who knows what I'm going through. I've tried everything to get him help but he just throws it back in my face. I love him deeply and I know he loves me and the kids too, but his addiction is so strong. Why can't he see what he is losing??
cara - 28 March 2011 @ 9:59 PM
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