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Living With an Alcoholic

By: Sam Harrington-Lowe - Updated: 13 Apr 2017 | comments*Discuss
 
Living With An Alcoholic Children Of

Living with an alcoholic is generally a rollercoaster of a ride. It’s hard for those around the drinker to understand that actually they can’t help themselves and usually family will find themselves affected deeply. It is a family disease, in as much as it affects the whole household. When things are good and the drinking is under control, then everyone is happy. But when alcohol takes over again, chaos and disorder reign.

Unpredictable Behaviour

It depends on who is the one with the problem as to how unpredictable behaviour will affect those around them, but the alcoholic can never be relied upon to behave in a proper fashion. Alcoholic parents obviously have a far reaching effect on children, causing chaos in the house. In a house where alcohol abuse is prevalent, there will be arguments and abuse, whether it’s physical or mental. The alcoholic will be drunk a lot of the time, very often aggressive or emotional. It’s a home filled with turmoil and confusion. Nobody knows from one day to the next what is going to happen.

Children

Children often blame themselves when they have alcoholic parents, thinking that it’s their fault that mum or dad drinks too much. They will often over-compensate for this by trying to help or plead with the drinker to stop. It can destroy childhoods and cause huge problems in later life, as they will grow up feeling unhappy and just spending most of their time wishing desperately that mum or dad was just a normal, loving parent instead of this crazy, drunken person who can be lovely one minute, filled with rage and violence the next. Alcoholic homes also have a very high incidence of physical and sexual abuse.

Partners

The husband or wife of an alcoholic will find life very difficult. Alcoholics are unreliable, often going missing through drunkenness, failing to turn up when they are supposed to, or turning up really drunk and defensive. Social occasions are a minefield, with the sober partner often having to apologise for behaviour, or even remove the person from a situation because they are out of control.

Domestic violence is a very common occurrence in relationships where alcohol is a problem, and arguments will happen often. Alcohol removes self control, and this leads to unacceptable behaviour and often aggression. Home life will be chaotic, with normal daily patterns such as eating dinner, keeping the house tidy and clean, having friends round or even paying bills completely disrupted and it’s completely normal for the partner of an alcoholic to find themselves supporting the drinker in every way. They will feel almost like they’re looking after a wayward child as the alcoholic cares little about what’s going on around them.

Lies and Deception

A real feature of alcoholism is deception. Lying about the quantity they have drunk, lying about where they have been, lying about giving up – these are all extremely common elements in an alcoholic relationship. It’s another extremely destructive pattern, as the person close to the alcoholic will often plead with them to stop, even try to help. It’s not going to work, the only person who can effect that decision is the alcoholic, and until that point it’s often usual for them to pretend they’re giving up or cutting down. But don’t be fooled, just when you think they have been sober for a couple of days, you’ll open a cupboard and find empties hidden away.

Remorse

Finally there is remorse to deal with. The alcoholic inevitably has to sleep and will very often wake up feeling perfectly dreadful. This is aside from any physical symptoms from the alcohol abuse itself, they will often feel awful about what they have done the day before, swear to get clean, apologise profusely to those they have hurt around them, and quite possibly mean every word of it. And hope fills the house. But the booze will take hold again and before long things are back on that rollercoaster.

The Recovering Alcoholic

Living with the recovering alcoholic has its challenges too, so be aware of that. That person will never stop being an alcoholic, however long they are sober. And relapses are common. That’s not to say it’s hopeless, there are many, many alcoholics who have taken control successfully, but it’s a continual process to stay on top of the disease and any partner or family of a recovering alcoholic must also be aware of that.

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During the working week My partner drinks at least 4 cans 8% cider, 4 cans Guinness and at least one bottle of wine - often 3 - daily( I suspect he drinks vodka also ).He'll drink a can or two before work at 5 am.Weekends are a nightmare - starts drinking cider about 5am or waits till local shop opens at 6am.He drinks nothing but cider, Guinness and wine - no tea, coffee, water etc.By mid-day he is usually drunk - social occasions embarrassing - shouting at waiters - recently hit 18 year old daughter in restaurant - uses foul language when talking to children and elderly parents - insulting and inappropriate behaviour - argumentative - going home early and expecting me to go with him - holidays always all inclusive - drinks alcohol 24/7 -in debt - cannot afford food or petrol by end of month.I have given up working at 62 as his spend on alcohol and cigarettesmatched my wages - I thought he would have to cut down.Every morning promises not to buy any wine that day - every day he buys wine!!He refuses to leave home - promises to seek help but never does.Often incontinent.Gets unnecessarily angry and nasty with grandchildren.Why am I still with this man?
AJ - 13-Apr-17 @ 1:12 AM
Red - Your Question:
My husband drinks every evening as soon as he's home from work.At weekends this can start from early afternoon. He drinks till he runs out of larger or passes out. We have little to no social life together. I worry when we do go out as to how much he will drink. I feel ashamed of his behaviour, he is often defiant, argumentative, ocassionally aggressive, verbally abusive, telly me to get out.He demoralises me, tells me I'm useless, lazy.He shows little to no compassion ever, devoid of emotions at times. In the mornings - sometimes he's sorry. Sometimes he's in denial. He can be argumentative and verbally aggressive when challenged.My son and myself have a rollercoaster relationship with him. I find myself telly my son to avoid any confrontation with him for fear of arguments and verbal abuse. Threats of physical abuse.We have been together 12 years, married for 11. I am unhappy. The man I loved and married exists only about 5% of the time. I dream of a safe, secure, quiet, unchallenged life with my son.

Our Response:
Tell your husband this. It's time he realises the severity of his drinking and its impact on you and his son. If you feel unsafe and that you do not want to stay in the home environment, there will be support groups in your area to turn to.
AlcoholIssues - 5-Apr-17 @ 1:38 PM
My husband drinks every evening as soon as he's home from work. At weekends this can start from early afternoon. He drinks till he runs out of larger or passes out. We have little to no social life together. I worry when we do go out as to how much he will drink. I feel ashamed of his behaviour, he is often defiant, argumentative, ocassionally aggressive, verbally abusive, telly me to get out. He demoralises me, tells me I'm useless, lazy. He shows little to no compassion ever, devoid of emotions at times. In the mornings - sometimes he's sorry. Sometimes he's in denial. He can be argumentative and verbally aggressive when challenged. My son and myself have a rollercoaster relationship with him. I find myself telly my son to avoid any confrontation with him for fear of arguments and verbal abuse. Threats of physical abuse. We have been together 12 years, married for 11. I am unhappy. The man I loved and married exists only about 5% of the time. I dream of a safe, secure, quiet, unchallenged life with my son.
Red - 2-Apr-17 @ 8:07 AM
My partner is an alcoholic. He drinks all day every day. His dad died from it at 48 but that hasn't stopped him. He is mani one minute down the next.Unpredicable and unreliable and a liar. He's having an affair with drink and I can't compete. And I don't want to anymore. He's destroyed us.
Carla Richardson - 21-Mar-17 @ 9:32 PM
My wife refuses to get help. Her first commentto the doctor was My husband wants me to go to AA but I will never give up drinking. To the counsellor I like a drink. From my support counsellor She just enjoys to drink.It's not a pressure thing. It's a game she loves to play hiding alcohol in different places. It is becoming quite dangerous as she leavesgas rings lit, unlit and filling the kitchen with gas. Crossing the road drunk. Falling off high stools. I have reachedthe end of the road.
Henry - 10-Mar-17 @ 7:06 PM
My mom is an alcoholic and has been for years after an abusive marriage and her dad passing away She doesn't drink strong stuff but she has a lot, and has been drinking a lot ever since I can remember Me and my sister(who's now moved out) have had to deal with verbal and physical abuse for many years it all starts when she gets home from work she starts drinking straight away use to be about 3:30 now she has a new job so around 6 but when she drinks she can be happy and friendly but she gets to a point and if she goes over that point she starts becoming really nasty for example she'll make arguments out of nothing and if I say something back and it becomes a big argument sometime it leads to fighting and I know I should be the bigger person and walk away but when I've tried in the past for example by going up to my roomshe'll follow me upstairs and bring the arguments with her , I'm 14 and she calls me a sket, (I use to be bullied at school about my weight but now I'm an average size) she calls me fat and she brings my dad into the equation saying I'm my dads daughter and stuff (me and my sister have different dads- abusive marriage was with my sisters dad but she's not with my dad anymore either) and I've even tried taking her drink away but she'll just drive up to the shop and buy some more and to be frank I'm sick of it i don't think she understands how much her drink interferes with me, my school life and my feelings and I can't deal with it anymore sometimes I have to go and stay at my nans house just to get away from her but either way it still ends up being my fault and I don't know what to do me and my sister have both asked her to quit over the years and shes never even tried and I just needed to get it off my mind btw for anyone who's reading this I'm really sorry it so long
Court247 - 11-Jan-17 @ 7:00 PM
Living next to a alcoholic Hi, so I need some advice. Since August 2016 I have been living next to a alcoholic. When he drinks he is volient, has very distressing mental health episodes, is a very heavy smoker (the communal hallway smells, his bedroom backs on to mine and it has started to come through the wall), plays very loud music, and has recently been arrested for class a drugs, rape and something else. From what I know he has come from DENS and has 2/3 friends that seem to like slamming the doors and staying over. I have tried to be a good neighbour, I've offered him as much support as I can, I've even called druglink out for him when he was in a manic episode. He has been hospitalised once, the police have been round, he has been told if he has one more drink he will die, but he keeps drinking. He knocks at my door, constantly texts, well I've now had enough. So I wrote him a note to say I can no longer help, he needs professional help and needs to accept it. I have contacted the council several times, filled in the record, they have written to him, it has made very little difference. It's got to the point I have had to temp move out again (I moved out a couple of months ago, and when he went in to hospital it was lovely to get quiet and sleep). I've been in hospital from 23rd to 29th December as I've been ill, and I've been to scared to return home since, staying with relatives. It's got to a point, that I don't know what to do, im tried and simply scared in my own home. Im not sure about his court dates, but when you have listened to it happen through the walls. I've written to my councillor, and also filled in the at risk form over the weekend. To add to situation, I have autism and struggle with sensory and noise as it is, so this is a trigger making my condition worse. It is affecting me at work, as I'm so tired. I can't yet bring myself to go home. Has anyone else experienced the same, and how have you dealt with it on a daily basis? Does it get better? Thank you
Bananacake - 6-Jan-17 @ 11:47 AM
Met my husband in 2001 was loving caring man got married in 2003 drink has always been there going out weekends etc ..had our daughter in 2005 I suffered depression but he supported me ...anyway we carried on along suddenly he got caught drink driving lost licence for 18 months I asked him to curb the lager he was drinking 16 cans a day on weekends and 8 to 10 in weekdays he agreed and we plodded on no physical relationship ...I kept finding empty vodka bottles hidden I questioned him he denied he was drinking it was obvious even my little girl knew what vodka was at 5 years old as she had heard it said ...the worse time came in 2010 he was working but got sacked for being drunk ...became worse found him unconscious outside house hospitalised he promised that was it so we went to dr put him in touch with drug and mis use team put on antibuse was the best summer ever he looked well went camping felt like a family ... he stopped them and we was ok then 12 months later he was arrested for drunk in charge of car ...12 months ban ...vodka creeping bck in finding bottles again ...he became agressive towards me then apologies when sober we get on a cycle ok for few months then massive bender 5 or 6 days looses job again ..anyway fowards to march 14 my mum got taken ill cancer ...had to give up rented house to move in care for her he was drinking then days he was out of it I was doing everything caring for a sick mum looking after daughter and his son who came to live with us has aspergers he was hospitalized again in the July I thought he was a goner tbh ...so apologies again and he was ok for a bit lost my mum in the September so I m dealing with grief as well he was becoming aggressive again arguments etc outbursts bottle vodka smashed up wall I asked him to leave in the following June as couldn't live like it anymore he moved out in to acaravan 8 miles away ...he hit it hard stepson asked to come back here ...hubby begged me to come home said it would be different would get a job so he did ...back on cycle no physical relationship for years ...over last few months he has got so nasty with me saying hurtful things about my mum etc ...lost his job again in Sept couldn't understand why I was angry about it??? hitting alcohol to max at moment I have had enough but don't know how to end it ...I m am pretty much on own no family left I don't feel strong enough I used to be such a fun loving girl but I am drained now please help me
Cc76 - 9-Nov-16 @ 2:32 PM
Wellskel - Your Question:
Been with my Husband 23 years he has drink and drug problems but it's getting worse over last 6 years he has stopped for about 2 weeks then starts again. He has been to groups again only goes for a couple of weeks then pretends he is going. It started off by finding cider cans in bedroom that then changed to vodka bottles he denies it all. My children are suffering as well as myself he uses really bad language towards them if they stick up for my or tell me he has been drinking. To top it off his dad has been staying with us since Jan 2016 and he is an alcoholic too I feel myself getting lower everyday but have to paint a smile on for my children (12) and (8) they do not deserve this life. He has run up so much debt we can't sell house as we will have nothing left. I work full time and have to rely on them to collect children from school which sometimes doesn't happen. He lies all the time sneaks out and doesnt say a word. His dad is also abusive he swears at children even picked my son up by his clothes put him in hallway told him he is pissing him off and slammed door shut in his face while I was at work everything is always my fault I am a moody miserable boring b***h I can't take anymore but don't know what to do.

Our Response:
There are ways for you to get out of this situation. Your husband and his father are actually abusing you and your children although not in the conventional (physical) way you might recognise. There will be lots of support available if you know where to look. Start with your local Citizens Advice Bureau - they may be able to recommend local organisations and legal advisers for you.
AlcoholIssues - 13-Sep-16 @ 10:27 AM
Been with my Husband 23 years he has drink and drug problems but it's getting worse over last 6 years he has stopped for about 2 weeks then starts again. He has been to groups again only goes for a couple of weeks then pretends he is going. It started off by finding cider cans in bedroom that then changed to vodka bottles he denies it all. My children are suffering as well as myself he uses really bad language towards them if they stick up for my or tell me he has been drinking. To top it off his dad has been staying with us since Jan 2016 and he is an alcoholic too I feel myself getting lower everyday but have to paint a smile on for my children (12) and(8) they do not deserve this life. He has run up so much debt we can't sell house as we will have nothing left. I work full time and have to rely on them to collect children from school which sometimes doesn't happen. He lies all the time sneaks out and doesnt say a word. His dad is also abusive he swears at children even picked my son up by his clothes put him in hallway told him he is pissing him off and slammed door shut in his face while I was at work everything is always my fault I am a moody miserable boring b***h I can't take anymore but don't know what to do.
Wellskel - 11-Sep-16 @ 7:16 AM
I need help. As an adult child who has had to move back home, I am now beginning to understand that almost all the arguments I have had with my mother have been when she is drinking.I cannot leave, I lack the income to support myself, but if I stay, I fear the continued abuse directed toward me by my mother. If I confront her about her alcoholism, I fear being thrown onto the streets to fend for myself. I don't know where to turn. Please help me.
Out Of Options - 5-Aug-16 @ 9:19 PM
I have ben with my partener a year and a half.We fell in love and have done amazing things together .when we met he said he had had ptsd and had been on a project for help and counselling. Things were going great then hewas looking blurry eyed driving the boat we then had.I thought it was odd.He denied anything.Few dys later he kept reading and stopped doing basic things and I thought he smelt odd but he said it was the boat chemicals.Then he became aggressive and I found him in the oub and hiding cans of beer which hed never done before then I found empty vodka bottles in the wardrobeand confronted him he became aggressive belittled and shouted at me. Then he went off and went missing .It was then his sister told me he was alchoholic. He ran off to an ex girlfriends 200 miles away.i was in shock . He rang and said he was drunk and had run off to stop and that she got very angry and he was coming to meet me and was sorry/ I said it was very strange and he said it was a memory ptsd. Things went great for a year then he came home waivering again.I said youv been drinking denial - this carried on with him crashing the van not working letting the dog out not dealing with any responsibilities for ten days then an exciting event was happening and he sobered up to come along.Home after aweekand having had a great time he was helping at the village fete and looked glazed again.Then the next day and he went missingThen appeared again leaving the keys in the car and the car windows open.He denied drinking but a bottle rolled out from under the seat and he said I put it there. Heis usually an incredibly gentle talented man but he started shouting and tried to get out of the car while it was moving. I let him out then drove back and got him to his relatives house half way home for a cup of tea,He ran and laid in the car and fell asleep. When he woke up he peed in a hedge opposite in public then let the dog out and ran after it.He wouldn't get inor give me the dog so I drove home 12 miles and left him to walk.He lied and said he walkedand bashed on the door. I shut him out to sleep it off in the cabin .He continued three days police were called as he drove off in my car with little fuel and was 4 hours missing. he was lucky to not get seen and breathlysed.Next day off on bike to get drink. I gave him the dog to try stop him going three miles to the shop - no more booze. Then he started smoking!Then I told him I would not give him a lift and he rode off on his bike and went missing and rang ten days later saying he loved this woman who was his ex partner was 200 miles away always had still partly drunk and that I should stop ringing her when I hadn't.He had never liked this woman having had many rows beforeand we were in a lovely new house had got a dog decorated put sheds up got many shared friends and family and he ran off to hide and hasn't come home yet.I am in shock at the level of denial and escapism.He says its because I don't
sam - 12-Jul-16 @ 7:39 PM
Ive been with my fella for around 16years on and off, every break up as been alcohol related, some splits have been for up to 4years, then we hit it back off again,its like we've never been apart!! This time round he's admitted he's got a problem and that every break up weve had as been due to him, he promised to try his best and I do believe he's tried but unfortunately as failed again. I love to have a drink myself in moderation and he did agree whilst in my presence he wouldnt drink any spirits just stick to a couple of cans of lager to relax, however last weekend I walked off and left him in the local as he sneekly started hitting the Gin every time he went in the pub, which by the time i found out he had turned into a awful insultive man. The day after the apologise came and I forgave him!! Yesterday started off great, giving him little jobs to do to keep him occupied etc etc, then to the loacal for sunday dinner and a couple, minumising the cash so we could only have a couple to wash food down with and me been the cash holder as we agreed. A few things triggered the depression in him whilst we was out and he then got the taste, sneeking the cash card out and gettin cash back. This morn at 2am, he decides to walk to his place with a lager in his hand, so I knew what the day held from then on. I called to see him this afters 4 double gins and 8 cans he'd had by lunch, so breaks my heart as i love him so much n know he loves me but loves the ale more, he said he wanted to do something about it that he didnt wanna loose me again, as he suffers depression ive told him to seek doctors advice and talk to someone, all he says is hes been there n it didnt help. Since this afters hes had another 8 cans,4 double gins and spoke to me on the phone saying hes ok now and hes reached happiness, doesnt make me feel to good I can tell ya!He was never as bad as the binge drinkin is now, he blames growing up stresses of life, but we all have our probs. I love this man to the moon and back and really feel when hes sober or just steady he my soul mate, I so want the normal guy back and although hes said he will go to a A.A group, I know he wont follow it through, tomorow morning he will wake up down and depressed and start over again, its heartbreaking!!
Ronnie - 11-Jul-16 @ 9:59 PM
linds1988 - Your Question:
Been with my partner for 4 years now. He asked me to start a family with him. I knew he had a problem and his mum pre-warned me but I was so in love I couldn't see how bad it was and by the time I did see how bad it was I was already pregnant with my daughter. He promised when she was born he would stop and even got into a huge argument with his mum over it as we had to move back in with his mum while we waited for our own place. he promised it would stop and it didn't. he is such a fantastic dad but he just drinks every single evening. I've found empty cans hidden around the flat. I've even found a hidden full bottle of wine he's forgotten about. last night he drank several cans while watching footy. tonight just while watching TV he's been drinking. I have told him I don't want to be with him due to the drink in the past year and he promises he will change but doesn't. I've tried the whole simpethetic way and spoken to him about it but he sais it's his way of relaxing and his dad always took him and his sisters to the social club when they were younger and blames it on that. he can have seizures due to the alcohol, he now has a heart condition not alcohol related. he sees it's a problem for me but sais it's because my parents had alcohol issues which they did. There will be days when the foul smell of alcohol is seeping through his poures which is disgusting. He is such a fantastic dad but I don't want this life anymore and I feel trapped as I know he has suffered from depression in the past and has been suicidal and I don't think he would cope very well If I did break up with him. I actually love him so much but just can't be dealing with the alcohol. he isn't violent maybe Irational when he's been drinking and I've copped a strop over it. now I just try staying away from him once my daughter is asleep. even when we're skint he always finds money for beer. instead of the bills being paid on time he will always say we need money to live on and will have an argument with me because I want to pay the bills and will always buy beer in the evening. He can start having a couple of beers in the early afternoone sometimes. when we are out with family is the worst or when footie is on :(. he sais If I break up with him I'm taking him away from his daughter. it's the emotional side to it that kills me because I feel as though I'm a bad person for wanting him to change. Can't belive my parents had alcohol issues and then I had to fall in love with someone with the same problem :(.

Our Response:
You need to decide to do what you think is right for you and your daughter. Until your partner admits he has a problem, he is not going to do anything about recovering. We hope you find a way to resolve things.
AlcoholIssues - 30-Jun-16 @ 11:38 AM
Been with my partner for 4 years now. He asked me to start a family with him. I knew he had a problem and his mum pre-warned me but I was so in love I couldn't see how bad it was and by the time I did see how bad it was I was already pregnant with my daughter. He promised when she was born he would stop and even got into a huge argument with his mum over it as we had to move back in with his mum while we waited for our own place. he promised it would stop and it didn't. he is such a fantastic dad but he just drinks every single evening. I've found empty cans hidden around the flat. I've even found a hidden full bottle of wine he's forgotten about. last night he drank several cans while watching footy. tonight just while watching TV he's been drinking. I have told him I don't want to be with him due to the drink in the past year and he promises he will change but doesn't. I've tried the whole simpethetic way and spoken to him about it but he sais it's his way of relaxing and his dad always took him and his sisters to the social club when they were younger and blames it on that. he can have seizures due to the alcohol, he now has a heart condition not alcohol related. he sees it's a problem for me but sais it's because my parents had alcohol issues which they did. There will be days when the foul smell of alcohol is seeping through his poures which is disgusting. He is such a fantastic dad but I don't want this life anymore and I feel trapped as I know he has suffered from depression in the past and has been suicidal and I don't think he would cope very well If I did break up with him. I actually love him so much but just can't be dealing with the alcohol. he isn't violent maybe Irational when he's been drinking and I've copped a strop over it. now I just try staying away from him once my daughter is asleep. even when we're skint he always finds money for beer. instead of the bills being paid on time he will always say we need money to live on and will have an argument with me because i want to pay the bills and will always buy beer in the evening. He can start having a couple of beers in the early afternoone sometimes. when we are out with family is the worst or when footie is on :(. he sais If I break up with him I'm taking him away from his daughter. it's the emotional side to it that kills me because I feel as though I'm a bad person for wanting him to change. Can't belive my parents had alcohol issues and then I had to fall in love with someone with the same problem :(.
linds1988 - 28-Jun-16 @ 9:00 PM
I have been living with an alcoholic for 20 years and tonight it got unbearable!He confiscated my phone so I was talking to my sister via messenger. He then woke up after watching the football and accused me of taking to all and sundry. I have been accused any times of being unfaithful - I wouldn't do that!!! . I had done nothing bit talk to my family about my garden! I can't cope much more! What do I do!
Me - 27-Jun-16 @ 10:49 PM
I just need to get him out of house ..bringing me homeless drunkess ...only persons who talk to him...my rings he stole my rings to get money for drink...to blind I was...4 years....tryed doctors but waiting list is long ...scared everyday as he blame e eryone and I cant eat sleep .as I was reading...I'm same he is best fella ..but sober...I helped to don't get into jail course of alcohol behaviour many time..not worth
Trish - 20-Jun-16 @ 4:33 PM
Married for 30 yes,to an alcoholic, stayed until the children left home, then I left myself.My advice is don't waste your breath, time or anymore of your life, just leave pick up the pieces and start again. The pain goes away, it no longer takes bits of YOU on a daily basis. Best thing I ever did just wished I had done it sooner.
Jojo - 15-Jun-16 @ 4:41 PM
Scotty - Your Question:
Been married almost 32 years, since he has stopped going away (retired forces) I am on edge, he is drunk more often than not, everything is my fault. Including a recent over night stay in hospital with chest pain, as I stress him, he won't have it that alcohol is involved. He is paranoid and changes anything I say to sound evil. He makes any effort I make to say I love him to sound dirty. He pushes, threatens bruising, makes fun of me. Don't know how much more I can take. He never apologises, even when sober he still says it is all my doing. Tonight he decided to fix the hoover, he can hardly stand up, that wasn't sucking up properly. It is now in bits. Tomorrow he will say it was my fault because I asked him to look at it. I am tired crying all the time

Our Response:
This must be so difficult for you. We hope some of our readers can help with their support and experiences. You haven't mentioned whether your husband has acknowledged his alcohol problems or not? If he has, you can offer some suggestions for help, such as alcoholics anonymous, if not, you may have to take drastic measures like letting him know you're leaving because you've had enough, in order to make him realise the impact of his alcoholism.
AlcoholIssues - 6-May-16 @ 2:12 PM
Been married almost 32 years, since he has stopped going away (retired forces) I am on edge, he is drunk more often than not, everything is my fault. Including a recent over night stay in hospital with chest pain, as I stress him,he won't have it that alcohol is involved. He is paranoid and changes anything I say to sound evil. He makes any effort I make to say I love him to sound dirty. He pushes, threatens bruising, makes fun of me. Don't know how much more I can take. He never apologises, even when sober he still says it is all my doing. Tonight he decided to fix the hoover, he can hardly stand up, that wasn't sucking up properly. It is now in bits. Tomorrow he will say it was my fault because I asked him to look at it. I am tired crying all the time
Scotty - 4-May-16 @ 9:47 PM
sj - Your Question:
Ive been with my boyfriend for few years I knew he was a drinker but not that bad 1st yr of our relationship he was evreything I loved.his dad passed away urs ago through drink his mum was a drinker and drug taker but last 2 yrs has been hell with him and his mum atm im so low his promised me so many times that he will seek help but let me down.he works but soon as his home his drinking abbussive says the most nastiest things n just as I start to forgive he does it again.he refuses to go drs I cant take it anymore I feel trapped I love him n want to help him but he wont take it wat am I ment to do ?

Our Response:
Unfortunately while you can support him in a recovery, it is he that has to make the choice to do so. Until your boyfriend recognises that he has a real problem and must take steps to help himself, there is little you can do. If you decide to leave him, it might just give him the impetus to take his first steps to recovery. This may not however, provide the real answer. What do our readers think? Has anyone else managed to help a partner?
AlcoholIssues - 28-Apr-16 @ 10:59 AM
I loved my partner, took him to a support clinic to go on a reduction using cider from whiskey. He lied and drank whisky behind my back.,shouted abusers at me. Gave me a huge black eye, broken nose, fracture to elbow, strangled me, pulled my hair out, beat me up and kicked me. Yet he loved me! Only an alcoholic can decide if they want to deal with their drinking. I now realise he didn't want to. He wanted to marry me and have kids. I gave him chance after chance, nothing changed. Sorry all the time. He will drink himself to death . I did love him, but love is not abuse. I left, it was hard and I cried. There was no choice. Don't suffer like I did , leave.
Beck - 28-Apr-16 @ 2:46 AM
Ive been with my boyfriend for few years i knew he was a drinker but not that bad 1st yr of our relationship he was evreything i loved .his dad passed away urs ago through drink his mum was a drinker and drug taker but last 2 yrs has been hell with him and his mum atm im so low his promised me so many times that he will seek help but let me down .he works but soon as his home his drinking abbussive says the most nastiest things n just as i start to forgive he does it again .he refuses to go drs i cant take it anymore i feel trapped i love him n want to help him but he wont take it wat am i ment to do ?
sj - 27-Apr-16 @ 11:43 AM
Hi all.....i met a guy 3 year ago....new he liked a drink n so do i at weekends like most......didnt realize he was an alcholic and has been 4 years......best guy ever sober n lately a cheeky....angry....mad man.....blames me 4 all of it.....name calls and just the usual......i used 2 cry so much but now its like go home as he has his own place.....i have become stronger and dont tend to dwell to much anymore......he has been the talk of ppl outside......i was embarressed at the time.......he has sat drinking in his car......drank at work and from oct to xmas day he had 9 visits to hospial due to siezures cause of drink in which i was there.....life is unpredictable.....cant make plans wif him.....and its getting to the point where i think i deserve better......i like a laugh....fun....a good settled house n family but the bottle is his demon. Without drink he is my mr perfect......im lucky 2 have a good family but not all of them no.......the thing that has kinda woke me up a bit is that he slapped me and i was gobsmacked.......ive heard the crying.....feeling sorry 4 himself......and he says now he is an alcholic but still the bottle comes first......he even says that i dont deserve it but continues.......i continue too and some day he will waken up and i wont b there.......when things r good they fab and then im back to feeling hurt.......ive learnt alot about addiction and never realized the effect it had.......ive never beenin this situation b4.......im such a hearty person and ive learnt that i cant help him or make it go away......i have learnt just to step back and breathe and carry on with my life with or without him around. He has taken the steps to get help but still drinks......its so sad cause i love him dearly but i am being made to feel sad n hurt and i dont like feeling this way.......wish i had a magic wond.
mary - 22-Apr-16 @ 12:47 PM
I have been with my partner 4 years alcohol was never a massive issue but more recently over the last year my partner has started to drink more and more until now he's completely alcohol dependent. I have tried my hardest to get him help with the doctor who put me intouch with the alcohol team and hopefully he will be doing a home detox in the next two weeks. Weather he stays off it after that is a different story. Like many of you who have left comments about your partners mine is the same lovely when sober and a nightmare when drunk and god knows the mentle abuse is torture the names I get called the abuse I get is unreal and I no its the alcohol talking but there is only so long I can bite my tongue for before I let rip. It is a daily battle his moods are up and down so never no what ill wake upto I'm so down and out with it all but don't really have family or friends to talk to about it. Most people would say just leave him etc but when you no how that person can be sober its hard to just up and walk away. Unfortunately in this case if he doesn't stay off the beer once he's had the home detox I will be upping and walking away if he wants to ruin his own life that's his choice but he's not ruining mine.
vanessa - 24-Mar-16 @ 5:23 PM
Hi,I married what I thought was my soul mate in December.He has always been a drinker but since we have married he has not had 1 night sober and gets verbally abusive to me which gets louder as night goes on.He goes straight to pub from work and then won't stop drinking until he falls asleep.We don't have any quality time and I sadly think I have made a big mistake as he has told me I married an alcoholic so deal with it and except him as he is. He also is awful to my teenage son,who keeps himself in his bedroom when he is about as scared of him. I am constantly walking on egg shells as he changes mood so fast and it's like having 2 men living with me. If there is no booze in house,I won't allow him to bring it in,he smuggles it in and if there isn't any he will start arguing so he can go back to pub or back to his flat to get drunk.He never remembers the awful things he says and the names he calls me but after 7 weeks I'm heart broken and already nursing the scars he is causing. I know I should stop him coming back as my son and I can't live in fear and I'm heart broken,as will my family be but he won't change & cant see what else I can do. Maybe it will take the harshness of being alone to wake up to what your doing,I don't know but do know I can't live in fear of alcoholism. My heart goes out to anyone living with a loved one who is an alcoholic as its true, alcohol destroys families. I've learnt the hard way and getting my heart broken from the man I love who is my everything when sober but a person I don't know or like when drunk.
Gutted - 17-Feb-16 @ 11:18 PM
My boyfriend of four years is an alcoholic. He won't admit it. And when I try to talk to him about it he gets defensive and bashes me with mental/verbal abuse to the EXTREME. (And he doesn't ever apologize or think he was wrong). He quit drinking last year everyday, to every other weekend, and things were good! But everyday this year he has been drunk..and I mean a half gallon of whiskey or a case of Budweiser. He says he drinks to celebrate his happy life now when he use to drink because he wasn't happy. I thought it was a clever response but I don't believe him.. It's just an excuse. He's so selfish, at the top of his own priority list. As someone said previously- why should he be at the top of mine when he's already at the top of his? Can't have both. I deserve so much more. I want to help him instead of leave him, but he won't hear it from me. I just don't know what to do anymore.
SaraLou - 21-Jan-16 @ 3:10 AM
My partner of 18 years is depentant on alcohol there is no intermacy and i miss that, i try talking to him but it falls on deaf ears, i am considering leaving him. I just can't cope no more. Please someone help.
De - 13-Jan-16 @ 6:15 PM
So glad I'm not alone, My mum is now 65 and has been a high functioning alcoholic for over 15 years. She had a lot of bad things happen to her including my Brother who stopped talking to her which I think led to her first drinking. She has bottles of Tonic Water one of which she fills with vodka, saying its flat tonic water which is good for cramps (she suffers from Fibromyalgia) then tops it up with the normal fizzy tonic. She starts drinking at around 3pm and stops at around 9/10pm.My sister and I (both grown up with kids of our own) have both known about this for a long time but are too afraid of upsetting her to say anything and have never discussed it with our Dad either. Neither my sister or myself drink all that much, even socially, and I hate the smell of alcohol on people, clearly because of mums alcoholism. We both want to confront her about it but wouldn't know where to begin, as she has a temper before she starts drinking! She also won't take any meds for her fibro as you can't take them with alcohol. We want her to stop so she can control the pain for her condition!
southernerupnorth76 - 4-Jan-16 @ 6:41 PM
I've been living with an alcoholic for 5 years now. It's like living in a nightmare - but you never wake up. If i had somewhere to go i would have left him by now, i have no family support, so i'm totally alone. I hate the loudness of him, i hate the way he is and most of all i hate the sleepness nights, and the way, after drinking a litre of brandy in one night, which is almost every night...i hate the way he justs lies on the settee all day feeling sorry for himself, while i have to deal with everything and every bit of housework, while he watches me struggle with everything. I hate him so much. I just wish he'd die already.
Star - 28-Nov-15 @ 7:24 PM
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