I live with my partner who will admit he has a drinking problem. This I can accept (no one is perfect) but I need a way to talk to him in the 'dark' hours of his drinking. I have tried the 'nicely nicely' approach and it doesn’t work, neither does shouting.
I am fed up with his excuses and insistence that he is 'allowed' or 'earned' the right to drink to excess. He is a danger to himself more than anything and I am worried sick when he is drinking. Can you help me?Why talking to a drunk person rarely works
When someone has been drinking, they are not thinking or behaving the way they normally would. Alcohol affects judgement, memory and emotional control. The person sitting in front of you after several drinks is not the same person you know when they are sober.
This means that reasonable conversations tend to go nowhere. Even if your partner is usually thoughtful and level headed, alcohol can make them dismissive, forgetful or unpredictable. Some people become loud and sociable when drunk. Others turn withdrawn or aggressive. Either way, trying to have a serious discussion in that moment is unlikely to achieve what you hope for.
Whatever you say may be forgotten by morning. Worse, it can trigger an argument that leaves you both feeling worse. If you need to address something, waiting until they are sober will usually give you a better chance of being heard.
Picking the right time to talk
If your partner's drinking is causing problems, the conversation needs to happen when they are completely sober and calm. Choose a time when neither of you is rushed, tired or stressed.
Be specific about what concerns you. Vague complaints about drinking too much can feel like an attack. Concrete examples are harder to dismiss: missed plans, money spent, things said that hurt you. Stick to facts and how their drinking affects you personally.
Try to avoid blame or ultimatums in the first conversation. Many people become defensive when they feel accused. You may need to have this conversation more than once before anything changes. That can be frustrating, but lasting change rarely happens after a single discussion.
Your situation may be slightly different. ask a question below ↓ and our editorial team will reply with our advice.
When drinking becomes a pattern
Occasional heavy drinking is different from a regular habit. Ask yourself how often this happens. Is it once in a while, or most weekends, or several times a week? Does it affect their work, your finances, friendships or family life?
If the drinking is frequent and causing ongoing problems, this may point to a more serious issue. Alcohol dependence develops gradually, and the person drinking often does not recognise it in themselves.
You cannot force someone to change. They need to want to address their drinking for any progress to stick. What you can do is be honest about how it affects you and what you are willing to accept. That honesty may prompt them to seek help, or it may not. Either way, you deserve clarity about where you stand.
Support for you and your partner
Living with a partner who drinks heavily can be isolating. You do not have to handle this alone.
Drinkline is a free confidential helpline run by the NHS. You can call 0300 123 1110 for advice, whether you are worried about your own drinking or someone else's. Al-Anon supports family members and friends of people with drinking problems and runs local meetings across the UK.
If your partner wants help, their GP is a good starting point. The NHS offers various treatments for alcohol problems, from counselling to medical support for withdrawal. Alcohol Change UK also provides information and resources for anyone looking to cut down or stop drinking.
Your wellbeing matters too. If the relationship is making you unhappy and nothing changes despite your efforts, you may need to consider what is best for you in the longer term. There is no single right answer, but support is available whatever you decide.
If you value the relationship, make a few initial attempts to discuss, as you would with any problem, but then you must stop discussing if there is not fairly prompt change.
It is proper to have compassion and not judge. But you must understand, and this has akin to the laws of physics, I will repeat, THIS IS AKIN TO THE LAWS OF PHYSICS, this person will go very far down and destroy a great deal. You will begin to lose your own good judgment. You will slowly slide into the rabbit hole of anger and resentment. What was clear to you at age 18, or 21, or 25, will be less clear. You will have self doubt and terrible guilt, which you would not have had if you hadn’t started going down into that vortex with this person. They are embracing life destroying energy.. They are attacking to you with it. They are committing psychological murder suicide, very very slowly. And if you stay you need to agree that you, too, want to engage in this psychological murder suicide.
If you have no essential attachments to this person, you must chose not to stay. If you stay know you are going down and need to accept on a spiritual level that you, as well, have some kind of life trauma you need to work out, and that you are choosing to stay to work it out. Otherwise do not stay.
If you have children, you have a more difficult balancing decision. It will be very harmful for your children either way, but you must use your best judgment to chose the path of least harm. In some cases you may find that if you are able to let go and work on yourself, you may be able to wait it out and this person may go into recovery. However this waiting cannot happen unless you take charge of your own life and all matters and keep your household to the standards you desire. Allow your spouse to stay based upon compassion, if you can, and only as a place to have a roof over their head. Gently disengaged form emotional entanglement with them. Do not be mean, do not tolerate abuse. If it becomes verbally abusive or physically abusive, you must move on. This situation will not get better on its own. It is not a small problem. It is a terrible illness that will try every day and every way to Infect you as well. Again this is not saying you should judge. It is saying you need to accept the course it will take, absent sobriety, and take care of those you are responsible for, including yourself.
Gabor Mate has written some great books on addiction and trauma. In the Realm or Hungry Ghosts is a great book. There is another book called The Burden of Sympathy, more about mental illness than addiction, but very good for anyone struggling with where to draw the line on c
She has been banned from driving for 3 years on Friday of this week and was seen driving his vehicle on the road. He has a firearms and shotgun certificate and stores guns in his temporary mobile home. He is 68 years old! I feel a duty of care to report what is going on but I don't want it to come back on me.
I was hoping, you might be able to put me in touch with some one in the Liverpool UK area, who i might help me. As his bing drinking is causing a whole lot of stress
One last thing. If you (i hope you do) reply to my request. Please call me Steve, as i would not like my son to find this email.
Keep up the work and Many thanks.
Steve
PS He has tried counseling but has not stopped him
What a worry for you. My guess, unfortunately, would be that there is not. Even if the proprietor banned him for his own good, there will always be the next pub down the road that will be happy to take your fathers money. Sad but true I'm afraid.
How addicted is your father? I can recommend a good book ... Allen Carr's Easy way to control alcohol, though the will to give up or cut down will need to be there in the first place.
Have you tried talking your concerns over with your father, or is there another member of your family who can help? Wishing you and your father all the best for the future.
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