When there is alcohol abuse in the family home it affects everyone, not just the drinker. It’s often said that alcoholism is a family disease and this is a good way of looking at it. When everything is OK, and the alcoholic is not drinking, the house is calm, happy. But when alcohol rears its head, everyone is affected.
Anyone who has had to help a drunken mate home from a pub or had a stupid argument with a partner when drunk should try to imagine what it would be like to do either or both of those things on a daily basis, and worse. Because that’s what it can be like living with alcoholism. And children are affected badly – they find it hard to understand why mum or dad behaves like this, and will often be very unhappy and confused.
Family often blame themselves for the problem too, imagining that if they did things differently things would change but it’s only the alcoholic who can make that choice to give up.
Giving Up
Once the alcoholic has made that choice – and it is a hard one – then the support of family and friends is important. But the alcoholic will receive support from many different directions.
What is important at this stage is to realise that it’s not just the alcoholic that needs help and support. The family and loved ones around that person may well be exhausted, and emotionally or even physically damaged. Just because the alcoholic has made that decision, it doesn’t mean that all the problems have disappeared.
Support Groups
For the alcohol abuser there is the AA of course, Alcoholics Anonymous. And for partners, family and friends there is also Al Anon. Al Anon is an impartial and non-religious support network for those who are close to alcoholics. Whatever stage the drinker is at, whether they have given up or still drinking, the group offers support and understanding for those who are in the supporting role.
Groups meet regularly and information on your nearest group can be found online or in the Yellow Pages. They are usually held weekly.
There is strength in solidarity and understanding, and Al Anon members share a common problem. Very often when home life is turbulent, the only people who can understand how destructive that is, are people who are going through the same or similar experiences. Sharing those experiences, and sharing coping mechanisms can really help the family and friends of those around the alcoholic.
Alateen
If you’re a teenager, even a teenager with a fairly normal home life, you can often feel like you’re from a different planet to everyone around you. So feeling like that and having to deal with the disruption caused by alcohol abuse in the home can be doubly hard. Who can you talk to? Who will understand?
Alateen is a group especially for younger members of the family with friends or relatives who are alcoholics. Just like Al Anon, groups meet to give each other support. The difference is of course that those meeting at Alateen all understand each other’s language a bit better.
Your situation may be slightly different. ask a question below ↓ and our editorial team will reply with our advice.
Therapy During Rehab
Rehabilitation is a big part of the path for the recovering alcohol abuser, and therapy can often involve family too. Family or relationship counselling and therapy can offer a chance for everyone to express their feelings, maybe to go though feelings of anger and unhappiness together, and learn to build a future together based on understanding rather than resentment. Whether rehab is residential or not, family therapies are available and are highly recommended. If in doubt, ask your GP initially who will be able to recommend or guide you.
Support for Children
If your mum or dad is an alcoholic and life at home is turbulent, you might often feel that you are helpless, or powerless to change anything.
It’s true to say that you cannot make the person give up drinking, although it is tempting to try and plead or persuade them. But there are steps you can take to make life a bit easier
Tell someone about it – whether it’s another close family member such as an aunt or uncle, or a teacher you connect with, or even a friend’s parent. Apart from having someone to talk to about it, you may also find they can offer you a place to stay if things are bad. Whatever the outcome, it’s good to have another adult to relate to.
And try to involve yourself in your own life, giving yourself plenty to do. Join clubs, develop hobbies – having outside interests not only keeps you out of the house a bit, but will give you something else to focus on.
For children also there are phone lines that you can call, such as National Association for Children of Alcoholics (www.NACOA.org.uk) which has a freephone helpline 0800 358 3456. Many of the callers to this line are as young as six, so anyone can call. If you know a child who could use this kind of support, do pass on the number.
My Fiance is currently in 6 month residential rehab. We have been in a relationship for 3 years, he has always drank but as time has gone on this last 12 month he had been drinking all the time even waking up during night and having vodka or anything over 8%. I had a awful existence to the point I wouldn't let him home due to drink and wrecking our home, which is not him I think after his second medical detox and full blown relapse he became more violent when drunk.
As I said he is currently a month and half in to his 6 month and doing really well......I have lots of worries and concerns. He said in a general conversation he hasn't been sober for about 5-6 year (at which time he was married his wife later left and later divorced him, he didn't want that but drink was more important) So I guess my concern is he now has me wondering if that was a way of saying our relationship has been a lie and now hes sober and on road to recovery will he leave to try and get his ex back???? I am so mixed up with my emotions as I am just starting to comet to terms with all that has happened due to his mental health and alcohol!!
ANY help or opinions would be appreciated as im so confused.
We dont live together and his family have very little patience for him drinking (they have dealt with it longer than I have had to). The first time he relapsed I was a mix of every single emotion going and I felt I had the energy, patience and enthusiam to deal with it and get to the other side. But this time I feel exhausted and like I just can't be bothered to deal with it. I'm half expecting to recieve 'that phone call' and it scares me to think this is where I am and I am literally leaving him to deal with it and then I feel guilty about it. I'm so disappointed by him being unable to talk to me about it, especially after everything we discussed last time. His family behave like he's a complete dirtbag and are continually negative which doesnt help and I sometimes feel like Im the only positive person he has around him. His Mum will openly tell him he's disgusting and that she will never forgive him. They have told him he had one chance at rehab and hes failed and so hes on his own.
I have never seen anyone drink like he can and still be alive. He can down a full bottle of wine in minutes and a full bottle of vodka in not much more time and then he is desperately ill once hes had it in the speed and volume and just lies down in a dazed state. He wakes and needs more and more and more.
He's not answering calls or texts and they havent seen him since this morning and he's shut himself in his room and wont respond. We live 100 miles apart and I feel like I just want to pick him up and start a fresh but I know this is his battle and I shouldnt jump in and save the situation. Its a complicated family situation where he shares a huge house with his sister with little love lost either way and it doesnt help him to think in a positive way.
It is literally driving me to distraction. He's an absolute star when hes sober and not a horrible drunk either, but its so selfish and I feel like Im single every time this happens and I cant stop it hurting me. He is so negative when hes going through his relapse and it worries me how low he gets.
I guess Im sharing because I need to feel normal about whats happening and how I feel about it. Do you really just leave someone like this to deal with it themselves?
Suggestions and words of wisdom needed!
She can be a great person but when she drinks I’m living with another person.
I don’t know what to do as I love her, but she can’t understand why I want her to stop.
She can’t acknowledge her addiction.
She has had a bad abusive childhood and there are reasons for her drinking. However I’ve tried to talk to her about this and it hasn’t helped and she won’t seek help.
I feel I need help.
My husband will admit he is drink dependent especially when stressed . Maybe I am being to harsh on him as I pressure him not to drink- hence he hides it or drinks when j am not around He has been to A A but believes it is not for him He has periods where he gives up alcohol for the sake of our marriage but slips back into old habits and so I have trust issues with him and he lies to me. We are going around in circles and at this precise moment I can't see a future for us as much as I love him and know he loves me and his child. I can't stand the secretive behaviour and am worried that he may drink drivr with my child in the car. When he drinks his speech is slurred, he talks rubbish, gets irritable quickly and usually falls asleep eventually.
It's not that he drinks a lot, it just affects his personality quickly. On a bad day( as far as I am aware )he can drink 3 bottles of wine and a few beers but not everyday. Is he an Alcaholic??? Or is it just my paranoia . Either way I am unhappy and it is affecting my mental state .I don't want to look for bottles to see if he is drinking anymore. Please help.
That is the voice/opinion of a alcoholic.
I have got to the point I want out, as after 14 years I have come to realisation that he he won't change and I'm choosing not to have that life for myself and children.
The abuse the anger the damage to the house.
I'm actually off of work with a broken foot which is a God send as I often come home from work and his I'm a drink induced state
Falling asleep at the dinner table that's when he can be bothered to eat together as a family he is a functioning alcoholic he gets up works hard but drinks from the moment he leaves work waiting for a train he then visits the pub before Coming home and continues drinking.
It's so frustrating as his memory is shocking where do I go from here??
Wow!! Had no idea so many people out there having the same issues as me. My partner has been a alcho pop for 15yrs, an no signs of slowing down.
Just had the police out as i cought her pouring an "unknown substance" into my coffee.
She's abusive, a total troll, as vampires feed off blood these sick *****, feed off booze!
No difference in my book.
I feel for all of you, i know an understand your pain, we suffer in silence.
Wishing those who posted an future posts all the best. You're not alone.
Bless.
Harley Bloo. X
She wants me to have faith in her but she's said the same words so many times that I just can't trust, theres not enough evidence to make me believe her and I'm tired of being disappointed.
What do I do? She's blaming me now for her potentially drinking next week as I dont believe she wont, and in my head that sounds like she's already excused herself and has shifted the blame on to me. I just wanted to be honest and I don't ever feel like I can be because she gets angry and defensive and blames me :( why is she choosing drinking next week over me again?
I feel like I can see this horrible disaster that just about to happen to my partner of 8 years and I just cant see how to stop it. I know she'll hate herself the morning after and I don't want her to have to go through that.
:(
He drank heavily before he retired and was suspended from work the year before he retired for being over the legal limit (he had bloods taken to confirm this). He went back to work after 2 weeks with no support in place and he never asked for any, thankful it was all brushed under the carpet. He lost his licence 10 years ago for drink driving.
He still drinks and drives.
I still work and come home at various times of the day to find him drunk. He has agreed to using a breathalyser test which we bought but that just confirms what I can see.
He is usually asleep and not violent but can be nasty. He still doesn't have any hobbies - except drinking. He hides the whiskey, And despite searching I can't always find it.
I am not sure how to carry on like this as I don't want to come home from work every day wondering if he will be sober.
I know I can't change him and that he needs to accept he has an alcohol problem (which he denies). Therefore I need to have a way to cope with the situation if I am to stay. I stay because I still love him. Any suggestions? Thanks
Whe he drinks he is nothing short of evil, he is hurtful in what he says.
I hav 2 collect n drop off my step children as he tries 2 drive drunk in the car with them, he seems to always choose drink ova us! I try to make excuses to the kids 4 him but i know they know I'm lying.
I feel like people feel sorry 4 me. N wonder why I stay, but I love him and wen he is sober he is the most fantastic man you could ever meet.
I feel alone as his family seem 2 blame me but I drink socially after work or at a function but I never get 'wasted'. He has been using alcohol and drugs for 15years before he met me but hid it well now I have made him see how damaging it is they want 2 blame me.
MY friends have been amazing but i feel if his family don't support me we will never get anywhere. Its like they facilitate or validate his behaviour 4 an easy life.
How do you stick to the right way when all you get is barriers? How do you not give in and walk away for your own sanity?
I am struggling to know wat 2 do.....any comments would help....good or bad....
Most days I spend in closed bedroom to get away from him and his drunken abuse. Can Can't leave as aged 72and have nowhere to go. sometimes I wish I were dead.
His face has broken capillaries and he 'looks' like a drinker yet judges and comments on 'drug' users and how they look. I find this VERY hypocritical ... Think I'm going way off subject now and ranting instead !
Sorry guys
He drinks in excess and sometimes admits to being a Binge drinker, but he HAS to have a drink no matter where we go or what we do . Even to the point of when we go anywhere he takes drink for eg. The walk there, the bus ride etc...
He thinks nothing of swigging at a wine bottle before driving. I have no friends to turn to- I obviously can't go to his parents, I really don't know what to do! I'm no angel myself but I admit it! Does anyone have ANY helpful advice?? X
Any suggestions on how to cope with him - I am at the end of my tether.
i would like some advice from others on how i can stop myself feeling guilty when he ask me to get some wine for him.
i live in sheffield can anyone help me please!!!
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